Chapter 20

Mr. Kennedy was the hospitial supervisor I worked under.

He had been very kind to me and reminded me very much of my father. He had a white-haired elegance about him and wore thick, black framed glasses.

He had left word with the head nurse on my floor that he wanted to see me on a Thursday afternoon. I wasn't the least bit surprised as I knew it was time for me to receive another evaluation. He had been kind enough to recommend a pay increase for me on the last occasion, and I had done my best to show him that the pay raise had been justified. I was trying conscientiously to serve my patients well, even though I was engaging in extracurricular activity.

I walked inside Mr. Kennedy's office, and was taken aback to see a solemn Dr. Harry Peterson sitting in a chair across from Mr. Kennedy's desk.

"Sit down, please," Mr. Kennedy said sternly.

His face was wrinkled and he exhibited a frown as he looked first at Harry, then at me.

I couldn't understand why Harry was in the room, and I didn't like it. I knew that hospital policies did not call for employees to be evaluated together. There had to be some reason for Harry being there, and I was sure it was not a good one.

My God! I thought. Could he actually have blown the whistle on me?

I waited for Mr. Kennedy to begin.

"I had placed a good deal of trust and confidence in you in the past, Joan, and I regret to say that it all went unrewarded," he began quietly. "You see, I've suspected that this young man here has been involved in a lot of unsavory incidents. I began having him followed, and, I'm very sorry to say, you began to fit into his pattern. I admired you earlier for constantly putting him down and that was one of the things that really drew me toward you. But apparently you didn't put him down enough. We started having you followed, Joan, and I must say that the report that was placed on my desk makes me want to throw up."

My head dropped. I said nothing. I could hardly even look at Mr. Kennedy. I was convinced that the worst revelations were yet to come.

"It's one thing to carry on with a lecherous, confused young doctor like this man," Kennedy said, pointing with disdain toward Harry, who flinched. "But it's even worse to carry on with patients. Not only patients, but very young patients at that. I have never in all my years at this hospital encountered anything quite this despicable. Oh, sure, we've had a few playboy doctors, but mainly interns like this young man who thought they were Romeo and had to be convinced otherwise. But never have I encountered anything like this! A supposedly bright and sweet young girl like you having sex with her patients! What have you to say for yourself?"

"Nothing, sir," I said, speaking barely above a whisper, my face drastically pale.

"I didn't think you would," he nodded. "It's revolting, utterly disgusting. To think that you two people, individuals in whom so much trust is placed! People in the medical profession, the noblest profession of all! To think that you would carry on in such a disgraceful manner ! I can assure you of one thing. Neither one of you will work in another hospital in this city. I have enough influence to see to that. If I have my way, you won't ever work in the medical profession again in any capacity!"

"Can't you show a little compassion, sir?" Harry said. "My God, it isn't like the world's come to an end. We're still both talented in our respective fields."

"You both possess a certain amount of ability," Kennedy nodded. "And that's what makes it all the more tragic to see you both degenerate like this. Oh no, the medical profession needs people who possess an unswerving sense of dedication. It's quite obvious that neither one of you fall into that category. Your conduct squarely indicates that."

"Please, have a heart," Harry repeated.

"I wish that you two had had a heart. Instead, you jeopardized the smooth, effective flow of this whole hospital through your acts of gross misconduct. Oh no, I'm a man of compassion, but I just can't tolerate people conducting themselves like beasts. You're through, both of you. Now please leave this office before I really get angry."

I sat there trembling, tears rolling down my cheeks as a glum-faced Harry Peterson got up slowly from the chair in which he had been sitting.

He began walking slowly toward the door.

"Good day, Joan. I have work to do," Mr. Kennedy said angrily.

I got up quickly from my chair, then walked toward the door.

Harry held the door open for me as I walked in a semi-trance out into the hall.

"Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" Harry asked solemnly.

"No, you can't. Get out of my life for good," I snapped bitterly.

"Have a heart. We're in this thing together. Maybe by talking things over we can find a way out."

"My way out is to say goodbye to you for good," I said.

He stood there scratching his head while I walked away quickly.

I didn't realize until that tragic moment how terrible a mistake I had made. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I realized that in the future, no matter what it might bring, I would have to learn to control my sexual impulses.

I rushed out of the hospital, sobbing bitterly. I had to gain control of myself but didn't quite know how to go about it.

After all, my whole career had been washed away as a result of my uncontrollable sex impulses!

That night I couldn't sleep. I kept wondering what the future would hold. I recognized the measure to which I had gambled and lost.

You couldn't help but lose when you played life as recklessly as I had. At first I was the incredible idealist. Later I became something totally different, a girl who lived to placate her sexual urges.

Several weeks have passed since then and I still remain stunned.

I know one thing for sure. I'm going to have to try something else in a different environment. The memories would always remain too vivid where I am.

But eventually I've got to pick myself up and try again, no matter how hard it might be.