Chapter 12
As always, upon opening the door, the bleakness of his living quarters registered on Ben Argon. Once Helen Aiken had transformed the place with her presence. Now he had brought Helen's stepdaughter to the same room and for some reason, he expected the room to be transformed again with something of the same magic. He waited for the change but none occurred. If anything, the flat seemed more drab than ever. Kathy's freshness and newness and youthfulness and prettiness made everything look absolutely grim. "I like it," she said softly.
He looked around, embarrassed. "It serves its purpose." He put his coat over the back of a chair and sat down on the bed without looking at her. The street outside was quiet in the sudden twilight. "Look," he muttered tonelessly, "this is crazy. I'm out on my feet. I need sleep."
"Ben, look at me, please."
He lifted his eyes to her.
She was opening the front of her ruffled blouse. Her gaze never left him as she shrugged out of it and reached back to unhook her brassiere. Her breasts were a soft white against the beginning tan of the rest of her. The nipples were small and pink and delicately formed. They hardened as he stared at them and Kathy trembled, her mouth slightly open. "I love you, Ben," she whispered tremulously. "I want you to love me."
He pushed off the bed, a crazy anger filling him. "Go home, dammit. It's no good."
She lifted her bare arms to him. "Please, Ben."
"Why me? Why the hell me?"
"Only you, Ben. Just you, Ben."
"You're crazy," he growled, moving to her. "You know that, don't you? This whole thing is crazy." Then he had her young body in his arms, crushing her to him, his hand opening the zipper of her skirt. It slid down her body and she whimpered, pressing against him, her cheeks hot and her mouth avid. "Damn you," he muttered, savoring the sweet taste of her.
"Take me, Ben," she gasped, straining. "Take me."
"I will," he promised bitterly. But he took his time. His mouth found her taut nipples and teased them. She went lax with desire in his arms, her head back and a gentle moan escaping her. He found the top of her panties and pushed down. Her thighs trembled and she threatened to lose balance. He lifted her to his bed.
She spoke again, "I love you. You're not like the others-all the liars."
He laughed without joy. "I'm worse. Why am I doing this, Kathy?"
Eyes closed, she sighed and rested her head on his pillow. "Because you need me," she whispered. "It's a weight I can bear."
The soft flesh of her thighs quivered under his touch. He kissed her. His strength passed into her body and she received him thirstily. He could feel her blonde beauty coming into womanhood. Her back arched toward him. Her golden hair was rich in hisv nostrils. Her moans grew more breathless. Pleasure and pain fused into a kind of delirium.
He heard himself. "Love you-love you-"
For all his need of sleep, the exercise of love proved no tranquilizer. In the awed silence they shared after the act was over, he remembered the outside world as though it had been another life-but one to which he must return shortly.
Shivering with pleasure, she still clung to him. He stroked her soothingly, trying to fix the contour of her body in his memory, to be evoked later in a lonelier drabber place. With shock, he kept hearing his own words of endearment. "Sweetheart-Kathy-I'm scared for you."
"Don't be," she murmured.
"But you're such a fool-and so damned young-"
"What makes me a fool?" she asked. "I wanted you. I have you."
He thought of her father.
He still felt tender toward Kathy. But now his tenderness surprised him by making him angry, just as it had surprised endearment from him a moment before. He seized her bare shoulders. "In about two minutes," he told her, "I'll have to get dressed and out of here and back to work. But there's something you've got to tell me before we leave. How close are you to your father?"
"Ben-what's wrong? What did I do?" She tried to pull free of his grasp.
"I don't know what you did-that's why I'm asking. Does your father confide in you? You're not here with me because he told you to spy on me, are you?"
"Ben, are you crazy? My father probably doesn't know you're alive. After all, he's a judge. And you-"
"I'm just a beat cop. A number, a nobody. That's what you mean, isn't it?"
Why was he talking this way? These were not the words he meant-or were they?
She stiffened. The yielding curves no longer strained to comfort him, to be part of him. "I see," she said. "You have an inferiority neurosis. That's why you were willing to make love to me-because I'm a judge's daughter and you had a sense of compensation through conquest. I thought you were the real thing but I guess I was wrong-and you were right, I'm a fool. I've made a terrible mistake. Let's get out of here."
She reached for her clothes. He stood up and went to his closet for his uniform. While his back was turned to her, he heard her heartbroken sob. He turned. Her arms were lifted to him. She still wore nothing but a pair of gold-colored panties that matched her hair. "I didn't mean that," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm not a fool. I'm smart. Smart to trust you, to love you-"
"Dumb kid. You beautiful dumb kid," he mumbled, holding her close, peeling the panties away again, easing her with him back to the bed.
She smiled and snuggled and kissed him as they settled on the rumpled sheets. "I love our bed, Ben. It is our bed, isn't it? Yours and mine."
Ben nodded and fused his mouth on the still warm breasts, a part of his brain admitting her claim to ownership, another part reminding him that another woman also held a similar claim. Then there was no longer time for thought of anything but the delightful pleasure her young body was evoking in him.
"Everything, Ben," she panted, matching his ardor. "I want to have all there is to have with you. Let me. Oh, Ben, I love you so much. Let me love you. Show me, teach me. Everything, my love, everything."
There could be no resisting such a love. It was too strong for him. Too intoxicating. Too overpowering. He gave way and let it conquer, let it take hold, let it erase all the reasons why it could not be.
Later, they left his flat together. The thought crossed his mind that they could leave more than his rented room together. They could leave Whitebank. Was it too late for him to make a new start? Could he escape the ghosts they'd leave behind?
The street was dark and windy as she looked at him. She was no longer the same. She was a woman and it showed in her eyes, in the smile, in the tilt of her head. Would the others see the change? Would they see and know and condemn this illicit alliance?
She was so damn young.
But the feel and taste of youth eluded him. Odd-he could evoke love from this young and lovely girl, accept all she willingly gave-but she could not give him the sense of being young. No one would do that again.
She ran her hand over her forehead, a faraway serious smile on her lips. She had pretty teeth, even and lustrous as a child's.
"We'll get my car," he said. "I'll drive you home before I show up for work."
She tucked her arm into his. "You're not still thinking I'm too young for you, are you?"
"No," he lied.
"Then what?"
They walked toward the corner and he found himself thinking of Helen.
What Helen brought to a love bed was experience. She had know-how, the ability to use her hands and mouth in a way that would have made most women ashamed. She was wanton, exciting. She made love to a man, not waiting for him to rouse her. She loved a man's body and let him know it. A woman like that was incomparable-and after you had known her, youth was beyond recall.
Kathy could still learn. She had a wealth of years before her like an open bank vault. She would only have had to pick and choose from among her happy prospects.
And she had chosen Ben Argon.
They got into his car. Her awesome serenity seemed to flood its interior. She asked as they headed toward her house, "Please tell me again that you love me."
Was love what you felt when a woman was sweet, inexperienced and clumsy? Or were you likelier to feel worship? He would have done anything for her, he realized, no matter how senseless the demand-and the senselessness of devotion could give his life a meaning. "I love you," he said simply, unsmilingly.
When they reached her house, the moon was out and the night was colder. She said a single word before she left the car. "When?"
"I'll phone you in the morning," he promised.
He saw lights go on in the house after she entered. Apparently there had been no one at home waiting. In some ways, he thought in sudden anger, Kathy had had a rough deal. For a while he stayed at the curb, watching the house, knowing he would leave any moment. Then he saw the figure in the darkened side doorway. He called softly, "Helen?"
She stepped out into the street light weaving from side to side, and advanced toward the car.
"What is it, Helen?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"I've been drinking, if you must know." She was wearing a lambskin coat and her lipstick was smeared. She looked like a dignified ruin.
He got out of his car, grabbed her by the arm. "Come on, let me get you inside. It's cold. You'll be sick."
She shook him off and giggled. "Sick, sick, sick...."
He half-marched, half-dragged her to the front steps. She kicked out of his grasp and slipped onto the sidewalk. He swore and reached for her.
She uttered a muted cry. "I'm warning you. Touch me and I'll scream."
He backed away, sweating with fear. Helen was going to make trouble-and seeing her condition, he hated the thought of her being alone with Kathy.
"Pick me up," she commanded.
He gave her his hand and she pulled herself back to her feet. She kept his hand and asked plaintively, "What were you doing out with Kathy? Is it a standard practice to bring little girls back home? This is the second time you've done it."
He reminded her, "Helen, she's your daughter."
"My stepdaughter. Don't you dare say that a girl Kathy's age is old enough to be my daughter."
"Why not? She's almost old enough to be mine."
She thought that over for a second and tried to put her arms around him. He moved back and she gaped at him stupidly. "Why didn't you call me? I waited. God, how I waited."
"It didn't seem wise, Helen."
She sighed and leaned her head against his chest. "Do I disgust you tonight, Ben? I disgust myself. I'm drunk. I went out to find someone like you and I drank too much. Ben, don't be mad at me, please. Be kind. Love me. Take me away with you."
Argon frowned down at the top of her rich hair, knowing he didn't have much time before he was supposed to report for his tour of duty. He didn't like the idea of sending her into the house where she might make trouble for Kathy.
She was trying to work her hand inside his belt as she leaned heavily against him. "It's been so long, Ben. So long. Why didn't you call? Why didn't you let me come to you?"
He caught the hand and forced her away from him. "Helen, I want you to listen to me. Go inside the house and go right to bed and sleep it off."
She seemed to ignore his words. "I'm leaving him, Ben. I mean it. I'm leaving him. I can't go on like this. I don't even sleep with him now but I have to sleep with somebody. That's why I'm leaving him."
"You're drunk," he snapped, impatient and unnerved. "You don't know what you're saying."
She nodded jerkily. "Yes, I do. I know." She looked up at him and blinked dully. "You were with Kathy, weren't you? Why? Why Kathy, Ben? She's only a child. She doesn't know what it is to love a man. She can't do the things for you that-"
Ben slapped her. He held back most of the force but it sounded sharply and her head jerked sideways under the impact. He caught her arms to keep her from falling and held her face close to him so the words would register. "Listen to me, Helen, and listen good. It's no good for us. It would never work. It's over. Now I want you to go into the house and go to bed and so help me, if you say a word about us to Kathy, I'll ... I'll break your neck. You hear me, Helen? Stay away from the kid, understand?"
The misty eyes were wide and lucid. The tip of her tongue moved over her lips before her head moved in a short nod. "Yes, Ben, I understand. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've been a fool. You can let me go now."
Ben Argon released her arms and watched her stagger back toward the dark house. The cold wind returned and the dark sky rumbled like an old man in the grip of obscene passion. A door opened and then closed and she was gone.
Helen was gone.
Ben Argon turned and walked away.