Chapter 12
For the first time in his life, Dan was proud of being involved in a brawl. Clobbering Cotty Starke was the first positive action he had taken since becoming a carnie. He glanced down at Debra stumbling along at his side. "Are you all right, Debbie?"
"I ... I think so," she said shakily. She fingered the back of her head and winced.
"Did that. ... Did he do that?"
She said quickly, "No, no. It's just that I bumped my head against the tent pole while we were ... wrestling."
"When you get to the trailer, you'd better take a hot shower and get into bed and try to forget what happened. I don't think you need fear he'll bother you again."
"Dan She hung back. "I'd rather not.
Not right away. Evan'll be coming in soon and I'd rather not be there when he comes in. I'm all right, really I am, but could we...? "
He hid his sudden pulse of delight behind gruffness. "If you're sure you're up to it?"
"I'm sure."
"What'll it be then? A movie?"
"Not a movie. Not tonight. That's where we always. ... " she broke off, then glanced up at him with a trace of shyness. "Would you buy me a drink? Or is that too forward of me?"
"Forward, yes." His delight was released in a burst of laughter. "But I thought you'd never ask!"
She linked arms with him, her fingers wrapping around his wrist. "Let's stop by the trailer first. I'll fix my face, run a comb through my hair, and leave a note for Evan. And you know something?" It was her turn to laugh. "He won't object, which must say something. For one thing he-likes you, Dan."
It was on the tip of his tongue to ask her if she liked him. He kept silent. Why push his sudden good fortune? In that moment he felt almost benign toward Cotty. But for him, bastard that he was, this wouldn't be happening, might never have happened.
They found a small, uncrowded bar not far from the lot. Dan paused in the doorway, letting his glance sweep the lounge. He didn't see a single carnie, at least not one he knew, and he was glad of that. With a hand under her elbow, he guided Debra to a booth in the rear.
Dan ordered martinis for them. When the waitress had left with their order, Debra said, "I may get tipsy, Dan. Will you take care of me?"
"I'll take care of you," he said solemnly.
"It's only happened to me once. That's when it all started with Cotty. ... " Her glance skittered away. "Anyway, now I feel like celebrating the end of something." She looked squarely at him. "I should have listened to you, Dan, instead of ranting and raving at you."
He squirmed uncomfortably. "We all make mistakes," he said, recalling his own gross misjudgment of Beth. He felt a stir of astonishment. For the first time since it had happened, he had thought of Beth without bitterness. He added, "We wouldn't be human otherwise."
Debra apparently took no notice of the pompous aphorism. She nodded, brow furrowing in thought. "The thing is, when I make a mistake it's a real darb, not to mention unbelievably stupid. I should have seen Cotty for what he is."
"He's a slick article. He's fooled other people. It's only when it gets down to the raw that he shows himself."
"Oh, it didn't just happen tonight," she said swiftly. "I realized he was just stringing me along while he made a play for that freak show bitch!" She colored, her hand going to her mouth. "I'm sorry, Dan. That makes me out to be a jealous woman, doesn't it? Of course, I never did like Paula Greer."
Their drinks arrived, giving Debra the chance to shut up and bury her nose in the martini glass. The drinks were good, very cold and dry. Dan shook out cigarettes, remembered in time that Debra didn't smoke, and lit one for himself.
He thought it time to get her mind off Cotty Starke. "Now that you've been a functioning carnie for half a season, what do you think of it?"
She considered it, black eyes grave, head tilted to one side. "I've found it exciting, this year, but I don't think the excitement will last. A year or two and I'm sure I'll get fed up. There's no ... permanence to it."
"That's the reason most carnies claim to like it."
Debra nodded. "I know, but I think that's an excuse. Most carnies are misfits, don't you think so, Dan?" Her gaze was disconcertingly direct.
Dan ducked his head to take a sip of his drink. He mumbled, "In most cases, yes."
Most cases? A small corner of his mind jeered at him. What was he, Dan Fields, but a misfit? Was he trying to exempt himself?
As though scanning his thoughts, she said, "You were once a practicing attorney, weren't you, Dan? That's how carnie rumor has it."
"For once carnie rumor has it right." He took a deep breath and plunged into it. For the first time he told another human being about Beth and the rest of it. Whether it was in self-defense or because it was Debra, he didn't know. Whatever the reason, he found it amazingly easy to tell after the first few words.
The telling of it took almost an hour and three more drinks. At the end of it, Debra said, "You had some bad luck, Dan. I know many people use that as a ready excuse, but in your case I think it fits. I can see how you'd want to pull into yourself and lick your wounds but. ... For the rest of your life?" The drinks had slurred her speech, heightened her color, and made her owlishly serious. "You're going to stay a carnie for the rest of your life? Shurely. ... Surely you can practice law again soommer. ... Somewhere."
He ducked his head. "I suppose I could if T worked at it. I think about it every winter after the season's over but the new season starts and there I am on the road again. Maybe I don't think it's worthwhile trying."
"Well, I think it's worthwhile!" A loud belch escaped her. She slapped a hand over her mouth and stared at him with widening eyes. She giggled behind her hand. "Dan ... I think I'm drunk!"
"I'm not exactly sober myself. It's time we were taking you home."
He put money on the table to pay for their last drink and a large tip for the waitress. Then he stood up and helped Debra out of the booth. She staggered a couple of steps, then got herself under control and walked sedately beside him and out the door.
On the street she said, "Dan. ... You stay in a hotel, don't you?"
"I do."
"Take me home with you."
He broke stride. "I don't think so, Debbie."
"Yes! Oh, I know what you're thinking ... I'm drunk, yes, but not all that drunk! Dan, I don't want to be alone tonight. I want somebod close to me. I want you close to me!"
He had been reacting to her sexually all evening but had managed to shunt all erotic thought of her aside. Now that the way was open to him so suddenly, and so easily, desire raged through him like a brush fire. He curbed his racing thoughts and said slowly, "You sure you know what you're saying, Debbie?"
She looked up at him, eyes soft and unfocused, mouth open and wet. "I'm sure, Dan. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. You know I'm not a virgin, Dan, but Cotty's the only man I've known. Now. ... What do they say? The hair of the dog?"
The words and the uncertain laugh that followed would have struck him as coarse coming from anyone else. Coming from Debra, it seemed as innocent as a child begging for a peek at her present on Christmas Eve. He fought a brief but losing battle with his conscience before saying, "Debbie, there's nothing I would like more."
"It's settled then!" she cried and buried her flaming face against his arm. "Did you ever know a girl more forward?"
His hotel room was a place to sleep, little more. He didn't rent a room with the thought of taking a woman to it. He hadn't touched a woman other than a whore since Beth. Carnie women are usually available and many had let him know they were willing, but Dan had resisted all opportunities, fearing emotional entanglements. And now he was doing exactly what he'd sworn he wouldn't. He had committed himself to the defense of another human and was about to commit himself even more.
Inside the room he closed the door with his back against it. Debra turned into his arms, her mouth hotly seeking, her fingers plucking urgently at his clothing. Her mouth had the taste of gin flavored with honey and ... yes, of woman. In his arms she was all woman, eternal female. The air of innocence she had shucked like a cloak. His hands caressed the supple shape of her back, the exciting jut of her buttocks, and his body felt the proud thrust of firm breasts and mounded belly. It had been so damned long since he'd had a woman in his arms responding to his touch. His senses grew drunk with it.
After a time she pulled back out of his arms and said breathlessly, "Dan ... darling, do you have a shower?"
He nodded mutely.
"Forgive me but I must take a shower. I can still feel Cotty's hands on me." She shuddered expressively. "Wait for me? Be patient?" She kissed the tips of her fingers, then touched them to his lips.
"I'm not going anywhere," he said hoarsely. "The patience, I can't promise."
She started off, still lurching ever so slightly from the drinks.
"Debbie, wait
Dan opened the room's one closet, took down a robe and tossed it to her.
He paced the room restlessly, smoking chain fashion. When he heard the roar of the shower, a mighty shudder seized him. In a sudden decision he tore at his clothes, dropping them into a heap on the floor until he was naked. Then he threw them into the closet and slammed the door. He stripped the covers from the bed, leaving only the sheet. He got into bed and pulled that over him. He fired another cigarette and listened. His hearing seemed acutely sensitive; he fancied he could hear each individual drop of water pelting down on Debra.
The shower shut off. Then she came through the door and toward him, toweling the brown tumble of hair. She was lost in the vastness of his robe. Her delicate feet appeared and disappeared under the bottom of the robe, peeking at him like shy, pink animals.
She stopped when her knees touched the bed. She let the towel drop to the floor. Then she made a slight movement and the robe followed the towel. In the dim light from the bedside lamp, her body was pink and white, bold curves and shadowed mystery. Under his gaze, her nipples burst into erect life like sudden-blooming flowers on a field of white.
Dan reached up to cup one breast and he felt a shudder run through her as the nipple grew in his palm. With his other hand he swept the sheet from his body. Debra's gaze drifted over him. He lay proud and masculine under her glance. A sigh escaped her, her eyes went out of focus, and her face softened, the features blurring as though seen under water.
"Ah, Dan ... my darling!" She came down on the bed beside him on her knees.
Despite the prodding of his desire, he was tender with her. He turned her until they lay side by side and held her gently in his arms as he filled his mouth with her nipples, first one, then the other. Under his caresses she lay with her head thrown back, her eyes wide and yet somehow sightless, a musing smile on her lips.
With lips and fingers, he probed for the touch buds of her passion. Soon she was pitching and tossing, her head rolling from side to side. His hand opened, fan-fingered, on her thigh. A strangled moan came from her, and veins pulsed in her straining throat. Her breasts rolled unevenly.
Finally, as his nerve centers raged with desire, she reached up and drew him down to her. "Don't be so gentle, damn you!" she said in a hoarsened voice. "I'm a woman, not a toy!"
He moved over her, poised himself, then drove toward her. She searched for him with her loins as his hands cradled her hips. She was strong and demanding. She was artful and violent. Pleasure strained her cheeks, and her cries contracted to guttural moans. "Oh, oh, OH! My darling, I love you!" The words seemed ripped from her, like cries of agony.
Dan was too far gone in passion to heed her. Her voice reached him as from a great distance. Her heels set up a drumming sound on the taut mattress. His ecstasy broke. At the same time she cried out sharply and rose, her straining body lifting him clear of the bed. A spasm gripped her like a seizure. She held him like that, their mutual ecstasy unending. The mindless seconds ran on and Dan was in the grip of an intense pleasure he had never experienced, had never hoped to experience.
Of course it had to end. A trembling sigh came from Debra. In a muffled voice she said, "So good, darling. So very good!"
They collapsed together in an exhausted tangle of limbs. As Dan tried to escape the tangle, Debra tightened her arms around him fiercely and held him to her. And, as an echo, her words came back to him, "My darling, I love you!"
And he loved her, too. He knew that now. But he couldn't bring himself to say it. Not even now. It was a final step he wasn't prepared to take.