Chapter 3
"Can you stay for supper?
"I'm really a very good cook, y'know."
"Sorry," he replies, drying himself off alongside her, "gotta get going. I've got stuff to get ready for tomorrow like you wouldn't believe."
Like would you believe that he must prepare a brief citing precedents for what he is about to join a defense attorney in doing which will have the end result of letting her target, Murray, completely off the hook?
Not that it will take all, that long; indeed, he is so familiar with certain well-used precedents that he can recite them from memory.
The important thing here, he reminds himself, is that everybody wins.
The warrant will not be vacated, a part of the evidence will be retained, young reputations will not be jeopardized, justice will be served as much as it ever is.
The action will even carry with it a punishment of sorts; certainly, Murray is going to be less than thrilled at the prospect of a good portion of his work being suddenly unusable, his time thus spent to no constructive purpose, a goodly portion of anticipated profits up in smoke.
He will even get a pat on the back from his superiors in the state attorney's office and from the unit's division chief for pissing out what could have been a bad fire.
Indeed, the school board as well owes him a debt of gratitude, for having thus deftly. avoided yet another scandal in their behalf.
Not, he reminds himself, as he dresses, not that they will ever know.
"So," Diedre says, having put her housecoat back on and watched him dress in silence, "when-I mean, will I see you again?"
"I'll call ya," he replies, gathering his suit coat from the downstairs couch, picking up his briefcase.
"You uh, you got my number?"
"In the file," he replies, patting his briefcase, which doesn't contain the file.
"I'll uh, I'll understand, if, if-never mind."
You are such a fucking loser, Diedre! Howard tells her, in his mind. Already she is resigned to the fact that he could be lying, already she forgives him if he is, knowing as she does that life and her have somehow had a parting of the ways, so that reality proceeds very nicely without her.
Young as she is, Howard reflects, she should think of signing up for Medicalert.
Hell, she could die in this place and nobody would ever know about it, the post office indefinitely shoving mail through the slot in the door until, in a year or so, the county, losing patience at her apparent refusal to pay her taxes, comes knocking at the door.
"I will call you, Dierdre," he reiterates sincerely, at the moment not knowing himself whether or not this is a lie.
Because tomorrow, he will be, ironically enough, working with Murray, under condition of the stipulation, sorting out the tapes, determining which are suitable for commercial reproduction and sale and which are illegal and thus must remain indefinitely in the possession of the authorities, whom he embodies or represents, depending on point of view.
And if Murray has the acquaintances Delany suspects he does, then life is going to become very interesting indeed.
So that he cannot say for sure right now just when or even if he will be getting back together with Diedre-much as he desires to explore her other possibilities.
Yes, he reflects, the world is turning into a very voluptuous place indeed.
"Copy of complaint as filed, copy of warrant request, copy of warrant, notice and inventory, seizure of evidence, arrest record, motion to dismiss and writ in substantiation-"
"That's a stipulation, Your Honor," Delaney interjects.
"Pardon me, mister non-prosecutor," the judge replies, continuing his recitation of the documents as supplied, "stipulation, withdrawal of complaint, affidavit from Sexual Battery Unit investigator, notice of case closure-okay Mr. Zuckeriftan, Mr. Delaney, subject to terms and conditions of the stipulation as agreed-"
Bang, bang goes the gavel, "-People versus Weiner, docket number as shown, dismissed, next case."
Izzy holds open the gate at the railing separating the audience from the floor containing the attorney's tables and he and Howard bow each other through.
"A touching display of what can be achieved when we all work together within the system, gentlemen!" the judge proclaims from the bench, interrupting a recitation by the bailiff of multiple defendants and charges on the next case.
Howard and Izzy bow toward the bench, the bailiff resumes his recitation and they exit the courtroom.
"So. When are you seeing Murray?"
"This afternoon."
"He doesn't cooperate fully, you just call me, okay? I've had it with this nickel-and-dime puts.
"Big deal, he saves big using high school girls.
"So look where it got him. Waste of time and money-"
"Big legal fee," Delaney interrupts.
"Big legal fee," Izzy concedes, "and so unnecessary.
"The man has a simple business. He knows what he can do, where and with whom he can do it.
"He had to know he was on thin ice with that Sally character at Lydia Fulham.
"Likewise with the teeny-boppers.
"What the hell is next-sex with animals?"
"So why do you defend him? I know you're not hurting for clients. Hell, Buck Enterprises alone-"
"You just hit the nail on the head, Howard.
"I can't risk that this schmuck is gonna do something to dredge up Randy Buck's past-alleged past, that is.
"He came looking for me, but if I'd of gotten wind of the trouble he was in, I'd have done it pro bono, if necessary, believe me. The last thing Randy Buck needs right now is more trouble.
"Poor guy's in the hospital, for heaven's sake-"
"And not cooperating with the state attorney, Izzy, as you well know.
"What gives, anyway? Weird, the whole thing."
"Leave it alone, Howard; your people are."
"I know. Buck left 'em no choice, what with his refusal-"
"His inability. Head injuries, among others, remember?
"What a world we live in, when even the wealthy and powerful are not safe in their own homes."
"How's he doing, anyway?"
"Well as can be expected. Tell ya, though, you would not know the man to look at him. Pathetic.
"They really did a number on him-whoever they were."
"Yeah, whoever."
Because Howard has heard rumors that the wealthy sports and fames tycoon was clobbered by none other than his reputed archenemy, Cynthia Marvel, the cosmetics magnate, a.k.a. the Baroness, as part of a running battle in some elaborate and deadly game they are playing.
"The important thing is that Randy Buck's connection with that prison scandal-not saying that there was any, understand-be put to rest in the public mind. He made an unfortunate choice in female companions, that's all."
"Funny how she and Buck Enterprises have the same lawyer."
"Hey, Randy takes care of her legal fees, that's no secret. Ever stop to think that he really liked the woman?"
Howard casts Izzy a knowing, cynical smile.
"Or something. Whatever," Izzy says, defensively.
"Easy, Izzy. We're not in court, you know."
"Yeah, well, anyway, good luck with Murray this afternoon."
"If I have anything else, I'll let you know."
And the two men separate on the courthouse steps, Izzy getting into a sleek silver limo which has pulled around the corner as though on signal, Howard walking over to a hotdog vendor.
Interesting, Howard thinks, pulling into a NO PARKING zone near Murray's apartment and studio, this Murray's penchant for getting into trouble where he should know better.
Howard pulls the two boxes of VCR tapes out of the trunk of his official vehicle, going to the door of the building, sandwiched between two store fronts.
He puts down one box and buzzes, long and hard.
"Yeah, yeah, arright, arready!" comes a tinny voice, over the intercom. "So who's there?"
"Assistant State Attorney Howard-"
The door buzzes, letting him in.
He trudges up the steps to the second floor apartment, which opens with a rattling of chains, a woman wearing too much makeup, raincoat pulled tightly over her twin promontories, emerging, Murray saying, "See ya, doll," before admitting Howard, burdened as he is with two boxes and a briefcase.
"You almost interrupted something important there, A.S.A. Howard."
"Expecting anybody else?" Howard asks, looking at the short, kimono-clad Musray. "Look like you're ready for the tea ceremony there."
"How did joo-never mind."
Howard looks from Murray to the door and back again, understanding.
"Y'mean I hit the nail right on the head, Murray? Little tea ceremony, only the kind you perform in the bathtub? Little golden shower action there, Mur?
"You are some piece of work, Murray, and don't ever let anybody tell ya different!"
"I got a natcherly fertile mind, what can I say? "So. How d'you wanna do this, Howard?"
"I was hoping you could somehow cross-reference the tapes to these copies of the release forms.
"The ones with the false birthdates are marked in red, as you can see-"
"If you say so. They all looked legit t'me at the time."
"Uh, Murray, as your lawyer has undoubtedly informed you by now, the charges have been dropped, so you need not plead your case with me.
"I want those tapes which correspond to these girls to take back with me. You will never see them again and, for your sake, nobody else had better, either."
"Startin' a private collection, huh?" Murray smiles, winking at him.
"Murray, d'you have a system or don't cha?"
"Sort of. Y'see, the tapes're, numbered. An' I pay by check, 'cause I'm afraid t'leave a lotta cash around-"
"Is there a point to this, Murray?" "So on the stub I put the tape number or numbers I'm payin' 'em t'do their thing for."
"Better than I'd hoped for, Murray," Howard concedes, "perhaps there's some hope for you yet.
"But not if you keep askin' f'trouble, Mur. I mean, can we talk here, or what?"
"Sure. Go 'head."
"You took the pictures of this Sally character, Murray."
"Ey, per her arrangements, okay? I mean, it's not like I-"
"Murray, Murray, Murray, listen to your Uncle Howie a second, it shouldn't be a total loss what we're talkin' here, right?
"I know that you didn't know what you were getting into, following the yellow brick road to that place in the country; be that as it may, the state police caught Sally with Randy under, shall we say, highly questionable circumstances.
"Okay, Randy Buck doesn't get charged for what was goin' on there on a technicality, the police find out who Sally really is and what she did-with your help-and she goes to trial, goes to prison-again with your help-with RB's name coming up again, this time in the newspapers, in the process.
"And now, here you come, 'round again-"
"Which is why I hired Buck's own attorney t'get me off, Howard!
"Surely Randy Buck can see that I'm doing the best I can t'stay outta trouble, knowing that I'm identified with recent events in which he's involved!"
"Didja ever stop t'think, Murray, that maybe you owe your life to the fact that Randy Buck is in the hospital right now?"
"'Ey, by the time he gets out, this'll be a dead issue, right, Howard?"
"Is a loose end ever a dead issue, Murray?
"Especially a loose end that can't seem t'stay outta trouble?
"Think about it, pal. And this time, use your brain, not cher cock. Is it true you got a nice one, by the way?"
"Look for yerself!"
Murray displays himself with enthusiasm, holding up the hem of his kimono, saying, "If yer innarested-"
"Don't even think about it, Murray. I like the ladies."
"Yeah, me too, but I'm like, flexible, y'know?"
"Let's hope that rigor mortis doesn't suddenly set in and change all that," Delaney responds, "Les morts n'ont pas de conversation."
"How's that?"
"The dead don't fuck."
"If you're tryna scare me, Howard, you're doin' a helluva job."
"Yeah, well, get out cher check book an' let's start checkin' off tapes, shall we?
"I get treated right here, an' I might just put in the word where it counts to see that any rumors about Randy Buck's private habits remain just rumors, so far as you're concerned."
"You'd do that for me?
"What should I make the the check out for an' to whom?"
"What the fuck are you talking about, Murray? We need the check book to cross-reference the tape numbers to the names, is all!
"Put the fucking pen away before I stick it up your ass! Geez! First I get called a queer, and now you try t'bribe me?
"Lucky I got a thick skin, Murray, or you wouldn't hafta worry about Randy Buck."
"Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just tryna cooperate, is all, in any an' ev'ry way possible.
"Okay, this is the YS series, running YS one to a hundred."
"What's the YS stand for, Murray?"
"Young stuff. An' before y'say anything-"
"I wasn't gonna say anything, Murray. Just curious, is all.
"Okay, lessee what we got here. We got YSI with a 1099 after it."
"When I use my regular models, I gotta keep records an' send 'em a 1099, enda the year, f'tax purposes."
"Oeez, Mur! This guy got five hundred sucks?"
"He's worth it, Howard!"
"Okay, the next check is YSI, Patsy, looks like ... Monahan, for fifty.
"We come over here t'the release forms an'- oops!
"Sorry, Murray, I got a red star."
"Tell me about it! Cost me five-fifty, hour anna half of work, not counting set-up, it's gonna disappear an' I come up fuckin' bupkas.
"Listen, Howard, are you' sure I can't writecha a little something-"
"Bring it up one more time, Murray, and I personally guarantee ya you won't be writing anything for anybody for a long time, unless you learn how t'hold a pen in your mouth-your suddenly toothless mouth, that is."
"Oh, that's right, Howard, pick on me because I'm small, why don't cha?"
"Okay, so YSI goes in the retain pile."
So it goes.
Until seventy-five tapes are to be retained by officialdom.
"You do understand, Murray, do you not, that you are entitled to declare a capital loss for your expenses in conjunction with the confiscated tapes?"
"You are too kind, Howard. I can't find the words to express how much I appreciate this."
Howard shrugs, replying, "These taper are in violation of statutes and will therefore remain in confiscation. Having them in your possession, knowing what you know about them, is a criminal offense, Murray, whether or not the girls were willing, whether or not their parents can be prevailed upon to file a complaint."
"I know, I know, I know," Murray sighs, "Still, at one hundred to five-fifty a pop, we're lookin' at-I think I'm gonna be sick!"
"You got twenty-five left, Murray; I figure, with your mark-up, you'll probably just about break even on a project that took you what?"
"Twenny mammyjammin', back-breaking days to put together," Murray moans. "Backdrops, props, dialogue, direction-all shot to hell!"
"Y'know, Murray, what I don't understand is how the hell you expected to get away with it.
"Fifty girls, Murray-fifty! Not all of 'em minors, but all goin' t'the same school, all talkin' to each other, all livin' at home with somebody; what ever possessed you t'be so, so ... indiscrete?"
Murray shrugs, looking away from Howard.
"'Ey, what do I know, Howard?
"I put in an ad for models.
"I mean, go figure high school kids, fads, arright? "If you can believe it, this whole thing started with two girls.
"Two fuckin' girls, Howard, that's all.
"An' like they say in the commercial, they told two friends, an' they told two friends an' like that, y'know?
"Still, you must have made it a very pleasant experience for them, as well as rewarding, right?"
"Damn straight!
"Waddaya think, I don't know how t'treat a woman?"
"Anything they don't wanna do, they don't hafta-no questions, no exceptions. Right up front, that's what I told 'em. I mean, like I say, Howard, I am flexible.
"'Ey, they don't wanna do this, so okay, we can do that. An' I dunno, maybe I was more clever than I thought. Maybe I was accidentally usin' waddayacallit-reverse psychology."
"How's that?"
"Howard, there was nothing these girls did not want to do. It was, like, my wish was their command, I kid joo not.
"I axe 'em t'take the big one up the ass? Ta-da, it happens, just like that.
"Eat each other's pussies? You got it, like they're havin' breakfast!
"Suck dick, even used dick? Dick l'orange, know what I'm sayin'?
"I get tired, I run out of ideas? They take over the fuckin' production!
"This one guy I use, all shiny with the muscles? "Two of them took turns rimmin' the guy! "He and I, neither one of us could fucking believe it, but it happened.
"An' I, I! had t'draw the line on the water sports!"
"In other words, you were actually offended?"
"I found some of the shit they came up with utterly devoid of cultural content, completely lacking in social value and offensive by the moral standards of this community-an' we are talking Forty-second Street an' Broadway here!
"I had t'put the fuckin' breaks on, understand?
"I mean, I don't know where these kids got their upbringin', but you got some pretty rough items goin' for ya there!
"Tell ya the truth, some of the stuff you got there, I was a little hesitant t'release myself.
"I was gonna tell the buyer out on the coast he might wanna consider some of it strictly for export. South America or somethin', maybe.
"We're still a civilized people here, when all is said an' done, dammit!"
"Does the Roseanne Barr version of the National Anthem come with this speech, Murray?"
"Ey; joke if y'want, arright? You sorta had ta be there, y'know?"
"And you say some of this is on the tapes?"
"Not the worst stuff, no; I mean, I am in control here, or at least I like t'think so.
"Y'know, y'start off with what seems t'be a pretty good idea, but then it gets outta hand; it's like one thing leads to another, an' before y'know it, y'got cherself a buncha teenyboppers playin', 'Can You Top This?'
"Not sayin' they were all that way, understand. Some of 'em were really nice-nice to look at, nice to work with.
"I told these t'get in touch with me after they graduate, if they were still interested in doin' this kinda work.
"Or if they wanted t'relocate, I could steer 'em t'some pretty good tapers here an' out west."
"Do you happen to recall a girl named Susan, Murray?"
"Susan. Oh yeah, Susan!
"She was the best an' the worst, Howard! "Best body, best head, but like, wild, y'know? "Something about her-but, like I say, she was the worst too.
"She took a shine t'the regular I had her workin' with for this one tape-"
"'Staying after School'? you mean?"
"Yeah, yeah, that's the one!
"Hey! You been lookin' at the stuff, have ya?"
"Hey, it's-"
"No, no, we'll say it together. Ready?"
Together, they recite, "It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it!"
And they laugh.
"Waddaya mean, she was wild, the worst, and so on?"
"We got through the one tape, no sweat, okay?"
"It went so well that I wanted to have the two of them together again.
"But this Susan was, like, all over Helen.
"That's the big broad's name, Helen.
"I mean, she was hot! Red face, wild movements, like she was some kind of animal, outta control, like she couldn't get enougha this Helen.
"So finally, I hadda say, like, 'Ey, enough's enough."
"I thought you said Helen was a pro, Murray."
"She was, she is! But there was nuthin' she could do with her, either.
"Finally, Helen tells me she'll take Susan home with 'er, try an' get 'er calmed down, work things out an' like that."
"That what went down?"
"Sort of. Susan never came back here. An' from some of the things Helen says, I gather they're livin' t'gether now."
"Susan's mother is very worried about her. Hasn't heard from her, doesn't know where she is and like that."
"Well, okay, tell 'er what choo want, no skin off; just uh, leave me out of it, okay?
"Last thing I need is t'have somebody's outraged mama comin' down on me for what their daughter come in here an' did on 'er own."
"Which is exactly how this whole thing started, in case you're not aware of it."
"Susan's mother, y'mean?"
"Hey, Murray, one day the woman finds out her daughter's a skinflick starlet, the next day she's outta the house, lost and gone forever, just like Clementine in the song-who's she gonna call?"
"Oh yeah? Innat case-we're talkin' Susan's old lady, right? innat case, I insist, in fact I demand that you straighten out this bullshit, Howard!
"You tell Susan's old lady that I am not a part of whatever Susan's got goin' for herself in that screwed-up head of hers, okay?
"She is not gonna use the law as a club over my fuckin' head t-"
"Easy, Murray, ee-zee, babe!
"Gimme this Helen's address, I'll go over there and check out the situation, is all. You are out of it, a free man, remember?"