Chapter 7
But THE DREAM RAPE WAS ONLY INCIDENTAL BEtween me and Dr. Wellington. I don't really know why I put it in here.
The important things are what I didn't tell him. And that was plenty. After Frank came and Sis began having less and less time for me, I began to get around.
She alibied herself, of course. She said, "You're getting to be a big girl now, Lorna, and I guess you've got to get out a little. Have you met some nice boys in school?"
In order to keep her from getting excited, I brought a couple of the dopes home to show her. Characters I wouldn't have been seen with even in the hall, and I dropped them quick after Sis got the idea I knew what she called "nice boys."
But I didn't introduce her to Pete Gill. Pete had a Corvette, and the first time I went out with him he drove me into the country and gave me a blockbuster kiss. That was what they called it, a blockbuster kiss. I'd never had one before and it was a surprise.
Pete parked in the shadows beside the road and turned away from me, titled his head back. Then he turned and pulled me into his arms, found my mouth and began kissing me. From the way his lips moved, I knew he wanted a hot kiss and opened mine.
Then I was suddenly choking and coughing. I was gagging and my throat was fiery. This was a mouthful of whiskey.
"My God." I croaked.
He laughed. "Straight Kentucky bourbon, honey. You sound like you never tasted it before." "I haven't."
"You mean you've never had a drink."
"Only Cokes and things like that."
"Well then, baby, this is going to be great. You're going to have a new experience."
I might have refused, because the stuff burned and tasted awful. But what he said about a new experience was a little like a dare. And if you don't take a dare, they call you chicken.
Pete tipped the bottle up and took a long drink and then handed it to me. I tipped it up too, closing my fists and my eyes real tight. But it wasn't so bad. After the first burning in my throat, it hit my stomach; and down there the burning felt good. Hot and exciting.
"Atta girl," Pete said. "You and I are going to get along fine."
That made me feel good because all the girls wanted Pete, but I had him. Wanting him to like me even more, I took a mouthful out of the bottle pulled him over and gave him a blockbuster kiss. We held it a long time with our open mouths, tight together so we wouldn't lose the drink; and then we swallowed together and I found I was learning. I didn't cough at all.
We finished the bottle, and then everything got vague but very wonderful.
It was the way life was meant to be, all wild and exciting. We'd emptied the bottle, and the fire was burning in us. I wanted to grab him. I wanted us to be in a dark theater where nobody could see us, where I could reach down and grab him and make him yell.
Then I realized I could because nobody was around; we were all alone in the world with the fire inside us and the need we had for each other.
But he beat me to it. He'd pulled my sweater out of the bank of my skirt and was pawing at my bra.
"Damn it," he grumbled, "that thing's in the way."
He tried to pull my boob out from under it, and that hurt.
"The hooks are around behind," I said, and he found them and my boobs fell out. He lunged at one with his mouth.
A long moan came out of him, and it was as though he'd never tasted anything like it in his life.
"Baby," he mumbled. "You're the greatest! You're luscious."
He drew back his head, and I lay back on the seat and closed his eyes while he made love to my boobs. He touched the nipple closest to him with his tongue and then jerked back.
"Hot! Hot as a two-dollar pistol. Don't they burn?"
I laughed without opening my eyes, lying back on the seat knowing how my boobs jutted out and proud of them.
"They're hot as coals. Cool them off."
He buried his face in them, and I thought of a real crazy thing to do. While his was busy with his eyes closed I opened mine and reached down and found the bottle. I put the mouth of the bottle over my other nipple and tipped it up. A few drops ran out. They felt cold and wet.
I put the bottle back on the floor and lay back and closed my eyes again.
"Taste the other one."
He put his mouth over it, and I felt his tongue. "God! The booze went right through you and came out here! Baby! You're worth a fortune. You make the stuff."
"I'd rather make you,' I said, and grabbed him.
He shivered and lay back on the seat. "Let's get out and take our clothes off." "Okay."
But I had other ideas. I took his head in my hands and pushed him. Then I lifted my skirt with one hand and caressed his thick, black hair, feeling his scalp at the tips of my fingers and wanting to dig in.
I lifted my legs and braced my heels against the edge of the seat.
"You started the fire by feeding me that bourbon. Now put it out."
He was so eager he was quivering. "Oh, baby, baby!" he gasped. And I shuddered as he began kissing my stomach.
I strained forward, wild for the heat and the warmth of him. The eager passion inside him that he was trying to quell sent ecstasy through me. I grabbed his head and held on as the world spun around, and I knew it would be like this always.
He was a wild animal loving me, and I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be destroyed.
"Oh, my God!" I shrieked. "Ruin me! Destroy me!"
But I reached that high crest of ecstasy so fast, faster than ever before, and down the other side. And almost with the same breath, still screaming, but the opposite now.
"No, No! Stop! I can't stand it! No more!" But he was still avid. He hadn't enough, not nearly enough, and he had me locked helpless with his arms.
"Stop. You're killing me! I can't stand it!"
He didn't even hear me. I clawed and tore at him and tried to kick loose, but I was locked.
"Please! Oh, please! I can't stand it!"
He stopped, gasping, to look up at me dully. "You all right, chick?"
"Oh, my God!"
I was crying, but no tears were coming out. Dry crying, my whole body shaking and quivering with no tears coming.
We rested. Then I tried to move my legs, but there was no place for them to go. I was jammed there against the back of the seat. The instrument panel was too close, and there was only room for Pete and his loving in between.
He'd gotten out and was back behind the wheel, looking down at me where my head and shoulders were down on the seat.
He grinned. "You look real cute that way, baby."
"Help me up."
He reached out. "No, don't touch me, please! It's like I'm on fire."
"I've got a fire going too." "Help me."
His grin was evil. "I could crawl on top. I could kneel over"
"No, let me out first," "Promise?"
"I promise." "What?"
"Anything you want. I'll do anything. But help me up."
It was ridiculous being in that position and having to beg.
But he helped me, and we go out of the car and lay down on the grass behind some bushes. It wasn't hard to give him what he wanted. It was easy because I was eager to and all I had to think of was the great, hot desire, the focus of my life, while he panted and then moaned and grabbed at me the last few moments and clawed at my buttocks, which were in reach.
After that we lay on the grass in each other's arms and it was very strange. We were in love. Lying there together, not even really knowing each other very well, we were in love!
He was very tender. He kissed me and caressed my cheek. "You're beautiful, Lorna." "And you've awfully sweet." My sweater had come down. He pushed it up and braced himself on his elbow ran his hands over my breasts.
"They're lovely."
"I'm glad they grew that way just for you." He kissed each nipple, lightly, with his lips only. "You're nipples are hard."
"They're always hard when I'm near you." "What do they want?"
"To be kissed. They're jealous. They were watching you. They feel left out."
He made love to them and I began to shake. I ran my fingers through his hair. "Do you want me to do that to you again?"
"Do you want a return bout?"
"I'd scream. I couldn't stand it."
"Sensitive?"
"Very sensitive."
He smiled. "I think we've got a wonderful rapport."
"You mean we like each other." "Mmmmm"
"It's getting late," I said.
"Uh-huh. I'll drive you back."
I wanted to grab him and hold on and never let him go. And if he'd stayed where he was a few seconds longer I would have. Then it would have started all over again, wild and free and mad.
But he got up and the chance was missed.
And we never felt that way again.
I think it was because we didn't want to. When you fell in love, you were trapped. Love was a prison, but sex was freedom. And when you were in a position where you could only make love with one guy, even if you thought you wanted it that way, it was a trap.
He was never tender again.
Except that he cried when I was raped by a gang, so I guess he really did care for me.
That night, when Sis and Frank came home, Frank decided he wanted to talk to me. I got in a few minutes after them and he said.
"Where did you go tonight, Lorna?" "I went riding in the country." "Who with?" "A friend." "Male or female?" "Male."
"Do we know him?" "No."
Sis was up taking a bath, and Frank was wearing his silk robe and looking very sharp.
"It might be a good idea if you were a little careful about who you go around with."
"Why? Have there been any complaints?" "No. It's just how things are these days. There are some pretty crummy characters on the prowl. Some real morons."
He was a fine one to talk after some of the things I'd seen him do to Sis.
"Lorna, I think you ought to bring young men in for inspection before you date them." "Sis met a couple of them." "Sure, but if I'm any judge, you aren't dating either one of those."
"How come this interest all of a sudden?" "Now that I'm the man of the family, I guess I feel responsible."
I went over and sat down beside him, and L knew that my boobs bothered him.
"That's nice. I'm flattered. It's a little like you were my father."
"In a way, I guess I am."
"Do you want to be my father?"
"You're a sweet kid, Lorna. I don't want to see you get into trouble."
I was quite close to him and getting a little excited. And I think he was, too. He got up quickly and reached across for a cigarette.
"Have you given any thought to what you'd like to do?"
"Do?"
"When you get out of school."
I almost said, / don't know, but right now I'd like to go to bed with you. Instead, I snapped the lighter and held it for him, standing very close to him so he could sense the woman in me reaching out toward him.
He turned away quickly. "There are lots of good jobs a girl can get these days, but it takes specialization. Do you think you'd like to be a private secretary?"
I'd always thought that would be fun. Alone with your boss during working hours. Staying after work for quick ones. Going on "business" weekends.
And then maybe having him pay your rent in a swanky apartment.
"That might be all right," I said.
"It's too bad you don't have talent. You've got the looks."
I could have slapped him. I had talent. The only thing was, he didn't know anything about it.
Even with the little experience I'd had I could have made him forget Sis in one night, if I'd been given the opportunity.
"I think you ought to go to college, Lorna, and I'm willing to help you with the tuition."
"That's wonderful of you. "I'd pay you back — somehow."
I'd been willing to start paying in advance right then, but with a quick look at my boobs, poking out at him and practically begging, he smiled quickly and turned toward the stairs.
He'd gotten me so excited, just being near him, that I went up and stretched out on my bed and tried to think of Pete.
I thought how it would have been if he hadn't gotten up at that exact moment out in the country. I would have grabbed him, and the fire would have started again. He would have been on top of me, and there wouldn't have been anything I could have done about it.
But in my reverie, Frank's face kept pushing in. Then I hated Sis for having him. What right did she have? I lay there and thought of some of the torture pictures, the ones about the nurses that were captured in the South Pacific and what their captors did to them. And Sis became the one that was suffering most.
And after a while I got so excited thinking they might make love that night that I could hardly stand it. I knew that the thing for me to do was to have a dream and get rid of the fire in me. But I didn't want to. The excitement of waiting was a kind of ecstasy in itself.
I got out my animal book while I was waiting for them to go to bed and looked at the pictures, thinking how wonderful nature was, figuring out a way for each animal.
And how sex makes the world go round.
They went to bed about half an hour later. That is, they went into their room and closed the door. After that I could go into the dark hall and see it all because there was a transom over their door that they left open and it reflected the whole bed inside. Of course it wouldn't have worked if they hadn't left the light on, but they always did.
Another thing: neither of them ever wore anything when they were alone in their bedroom. I remembered how, that first night, they almost drove me crazy.
Again and again. I didn't believe Sis had the staying power, and it would have seemed that Frank should have become exhausted. But he didn't. They would rest a while in each other's arms and then start over.
It was a little disgusting because they were so tender with each other. Several times I heard myself whispering, "Grab him! He's so vulnerable! Grab him and make him hurt!" And, "Now you've got her where you want her. Make her beg for mercy!"
But no. All soft sweetness with the kind of kisses that were more a waste of time than anything else. And silly things like, "Oh, Frank, I love you so!" And, "Darling, it's just the two of us forever, now!"
While I'd watched and listened I couldn't help thinking how a real man works. How Lex got me against the wall in the pantry and made me like it!"
And the picture in that war book of the naked man tied to the tree and the one with the whip!
Tonight, Sis was in a kittenish mood. She came out of the bathroom and ran naked on tiptoes to where Frank was bending over to pick a book that had fallen by the bed.
She straightened him up and laughed while he grabbed at himself where she'd pinched him.
"Young lad, you'll pay for that," he smirked, and Sis giggled like a silly school kid and jumped across the bed. He caught her by the ankle and brought her down and then grabbed her other ankle with her head hanging over the other side.
He had her, and he could have really made her yell uncle; but he was still simpering like an idiot.
"What you going to do now, you witch!"
Lying there on her belly, Sis began to laugh. Even as disgusted with them as I was, I had to admit Sis had a pair of the most beautiful legs I'd ever seen. And a tight firm bottom stuck up there that should have given Frank a lot of ideas.
But all he did was lock one of her ankles between his naked thighs and hold the other with one hand while he tickled her.
She went into a laughing frenzy, bucking and twisting and kicking and crying, "Oh, Frank, you're so cruel!"
It was enough to make a person sick. All that slop. He kept on tickling her rear, and she was going crazy, bucking and laughing.
She managed to flop over on her back, twisting around until she had a perfect opportunity to grab him and make him worship her the way he'd done in the living room that day. But she didn't. She kept laughing and begging, "Oh, have mercy, have mercy on a poor defenseless girl! And I was getting so disgusted I almost gave up watching and went back to my room.
But I was getting terribly excited looking at Frank even though it was all being wasted. Just waiting to be used but being wasted while Sis made a fool of herself.
Then he let go of her and was down on top of her there on the bed, and I thought, Well, it's about time. Now we'll see something.
But no,, all he did was get sloppy again, with Sis there under him. The laughing stopped, and their faces got all soft with sloppy sentimentality and instead of going after her tongue, the idiot kissed her eyelids very gently.
"I love you," he whispered.
How stupidly impotent can you get? I asked myself that as he kissed Sis's lips very lightly and then ran a finger along the bridge of her nose.
"You're so very beautiful."
"I'm glad, darling, if it makes you happy."
"You're so much — woman."
Maybe she was. And maybe he was a lot of man, but they certainly didn't have sense enough to take advantage of it.
Very gently, then, he pressed her thighs apart with his knee and the silliest look of anticipation came onto Sis's face. As though this would be the first time.
I had that thought, and then I got the crazy idea Sis must have read my mind through the door, because she said, "Darling, it's always like the first time."
And he gushed, "It will never change."
Then it was like Sis was a flower or something, an orchid maybe, under him, and he was afraid he'd crush it. And nothing happened to Sis, no reaction except her eyes got brighter and brighter; and he breathed a little heavier.
But I got the impression of a patient in a dentist's chair waiting for surgery. The novocaine, the open mouth. A patient all tense and tight.
Then I heard Frank whisper, "Am I hurting you, darling?"
And I almost whooped, it was so funny and ridiculous. Hurting her at this stage? If she wasn't used to him by that time she never would be, and they should have called the whole thing off.
How stupid could people get?
When he should have been rearing and tearing and lunging like a bull, he acted like he was afraid he'd get trapped or something and couldn't get away.
I'd have trapped him! I'd have had my nails into the soft part and would have been drawing blood by that time.
Instead of whispering, "Oh, darling, I love you, I love you — " simpering the way Sis was, I'd have been yelling, "Hurt me you louse! Use me!"
And chewing his ear off with my teeth.
It was so disgusting I went back to my room and lay for a long time thinking how it would have been with Frank and me.
Would be with Frank and me...