Chapter 13
"WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME, Mildred?"
"Vance-please-I-"
"Did a few dirty hours with a lover mean that much to you? Was that important enough to destroy me for?"
"That wasn't like that, Vance! I mean-I didn't know-"
Vance Hager had finally come home. He'd stopped off for a few more drinks on the way. In fact he hadn't merely stopped off. He'd called a taxi and gone down off the Hill to a tavern near Warrenton.
The drinks hadn't helped. That hadn't dulled the panic or stilled the anger. They'd made his eyes red and left him a mess and when he entered the house Mildred saw what was close to an apparition.
He had net slapped her. He had not touched her physically. But his eyes and his voice were rapiers with which he ran her through and through.
"Tell me about that. How was that? Did you get a big bang out of seducing a child?"
"But Rafe isn't a child!"
"Oh, I see. That made this all right. That gave you the privilege of defiling your marriage, ruining me in business, and above all, smashing the children's futures!"
"Vance! Be fair. I admit that I failed you. But there was only a single incident. That and one other time when-"
"Give me the details, baby. Go ahead! Relive that all. I'll get a big kick out of hearing about that."
"I didn't mean that. Please listen to me, Vance. I'm a human being too. I at least deserve some consideration."
"Of course, pet. I'm only sorry I didn't have two careers for you to destroy. I'm sorry I couldn't provide you with four children to disgrace."
"What I mean is-yes, I was untrue to you. But why should all these things have happened? How could that secret incident have destroyed you and your career? That doesn't make sense."
"The incident wasn't secret. That was like a public performance. The reviews were read as far away as Washington D. C."
"But why?"
Vance could not lash at her any more. All his rage had been poured out. He was empty.
"I don't know why. I just know what happened."
He looked at Mildred. Somehow, facing her had been only anticlimax. What could he say to her? What could he do? It had been said. It had been done. And that was that.
"I'm tired, Millie. I'm dead tired."
"Take a hot bath, Vance. Go to bed."
He moved his hand in a vague gesture of weariness.
"I'm sorry, Vance."
"Never mind, Millie. We'll talk about things in the morning."
"I'll leave, of course."
"In the morning."
He went upstairs without saying good night.
Nela Varese sat looking out the window of her apartment high over Manhattan. She had come home in a pensive mood and she was trying to find the reason for it.
Vance Hager's bad luck? She wondered. She tried to judge exactly what Vance had meant to her. A good bed relationship had been the key. This had given her a sense of security.
But had there been more to the affair than that? She'd suffered no great reaction upon hearing about his fall, beyond an honest regret for Vance. But she'd had no trouble turning a hard shoulder when he'd appealed to her.
She thought about Mack Penrose, his indignation at what he thought had been unfair treatment, and also his conduct after practically breaking into her apartment.
It appeared that Mack had been in love with her. But there was no real proof of this.
Nela's mind dwelt on the vengeance he'd taken. She smiled. He hadn't been bad, really. If her attitude had been a little different, that would have been as satisfactory as any of her sessions with Vance.
Mack had possibilities-definite possibilities. Of course, love complicated things. Love could be a definite barrier.
But she could handle that when and if the necessity arose.
She picked up the phone and dialed Macklin Penrose.
"Mack? This is Nela...."
"I've been thinking about you...."
"I think we should talk ... "
"Why don't I come over...?"
"Do come. You might be delighted with what you find...."
Nela put the phone down and thought of Vance Hager and her thoughts were by way of farewell. There had been other men in the past. There would be other men in the future. That was life, at least hers, as she chose to live it.
She got up from her chair and went into the bathroom to prepare for the arrival of Macklin Penrose.
Mildred wasn't thinking very well. It was as though her mind refused to accept what had occurred. It was impossible that an indiscreet act performed in the privacy of an abandoned house in an almost impenetrable section of a sparsely settled county could have such a devastating effect.
There had been other factors involved. There had to be. But she would proably never know what they were, nor was it important that she should.
She only knew that she felt alone and deserted and filled with panic. The walls around her suddenly became the walls of a prison. She had to get out where she could breath, out under the dark night sky. She wanted to drive. She wanted the feel of power under her. She had to move.
She had reached the garage door when she realized that there was something else she had to have.
Rafe.
She had to see him once more, to talk to him, to perhaps touch him.
She wanted Rafe at that moment more than she had ever wanted anything in her life.
Throwing all caution away, she went in and dialed the Kolsky number. If his mother answered she would ask for Rafe.
But he answered himself.
"Rafe. I want to see you. I-"
There was so much she wanted to tell him at that moment. She wanted to say she loved him, she was sure he loved her, and they had that at least even though that would never come to anything, even though the love that had been given them was at the same time forbidden.
She waited for the warm tones of his voice.
But his voice was not warm. It was gay, and light and excited.
"Gosh, Mrs. Hager. I'm afraid I haven't got time, so glad you called. I wanted to tell you of the news."
"What news, Rafe?"
"I'm going to Europe."
"Europe?"
"Yes. It's the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. Dad called. He's going to Europe te do some political research and he wants me to go with him. Five or six countries. A wonderful trip. Then maybe I'll take up something and stay there for awhile, perhaps for several years."
"What about your mother?" Mildred asked dully.
"She's going to visit my aunt in Florida. They want her. We'll probably sell this place. It's about time. Dad said I'd been vegetating in these hills."
"I think he was right, Rafe. I really think he was right."
"Uh-huh. Well, I guess it's good-bye then, and good luck."
A last word from a boy who had forgotten her. The voice of a shy stranger.
No. He would remember. There would be nights when he would remember Full Moon and the first woman he'd known.
He would remember her as in a dream.
"I'm delighted for you, Rafe. Good-bye, and good luck."
The wind feeding in through the open windows was cool to Mildred's face. The night was dark and as the car rushed up the highway it seemed to be hurtling into a long white tunnel created by the headlights.
Mildred pressed down on the accelerator. The powerful motor responded. Faster-faster. The wind began to whine.
There was nothing in sight. She was alone.
One long quiet sob blended with the wind and was lost in it.
"Tom!"
The high whine of rubber on the pavement.
"Tom!"
Mildred reached down and snapped off the lights. The white tunnel vanished. There was only the empty darkness.
"Tommy darling. Hold out your arms to me. Touch me! Guide me!"
The cement pillar waited patiently.