Chapter 18
Carla walked past me into the apartment, and I closed the door and walked after her into the living room.
She had on a fur coat, the collar turned up around her neck, and she took off the coat and dropped it on a chair and came over to me and put her arms around my neck and kissed me. I didn't respond to the kiss.
She drew back her head, puzzled, staring at me. "What's the matter, Phil?" she asked coarsely. "What are you doing here?" I asked hoarsely. "Well, that's a fine way to greet me, Phil." I put my hand to my head. "Sorry," I mumbled. "It's-it's just that I didn't expect to see you."
"I got in a day and a half ago," Carla said. "I kept trying to reach you, but there was no answer."
"Did you call last night?" I asked, suddenly remembering that Julie had been here while I slept, and that she was here now behind the closed bedroom door.
"No," Carla said hesitantly. "I didn't call last night, Phil. I was-with Jason."
My head snapped up as I heard her words. "With Jason?"
She nodded. "Yes ... And I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, Phil."
I looked at her and waited for her to go on.
"Jason isn't going to do the play, Phil," Carla said in a low voice. "And that means you're not going to get to direct it, of course." She licked her lips. "You'd find this out one way or another soon, Phil, so I wanted to tell you myself. I told Jason I couldn't see myself in that play, and he had to agree with me after I talked it over with him."
"It doesn't matter now," I said.
"I'm still going to star in the opening production at the new theater, Phil," Carla said quickly. "Jason now wants to put on a Shakespeare play. We haven't decided on which one yet, but whatever it is, I've agreed to star in it."
"Shakespeare?" I said.
"Yes. Every actress wants to do Shakespeare, Phil-and now I've got my chance."
"Good luck with it," I said. "And good luck with Jason, too."
She came to me and put her hand on my arm. "Don't talk like that, Phil. We-we can still go on as before.
This doesn't make any difference to us, does it? We can still see each other."
"In between your visits to Jason?" I asked.
She looked down at the floor and dropped her hand from my arm. "It'll have to be that way for a while, Phil. I can't afford to-to offend Jason."
"I though that way once," I said quietly. "And so did Iris. You heard about her, didn't you?"
Carla glanced up at me quickly, her eyes filling with tears. "Please, Phil! Don't talk like that to me ... Please! I have to do this. I can't turn down this chance."
I looked at her and wanted to tell her that she was a fool to try Shakespeare. She wasn't that good an actress, never had been and never would be. And I wanted to tell her, too, that she'd get nothing but grief from Jason. Oh, she wouldn't be foolish enough to jump out of a window when Jason turned on her, but she was in for a lot of hurt from him. I wanted to tell her all this, but I didn't. Instead, I said, "You go ahead and do what you think is best for yourself, Carla. You go ahead and do that-but don't include me in your plans any more." I held up my hand as she started to protest. "I can't live that kind of life, Carla. I've found that out now. I can't cut corners and work angles and use people."
"But, Phil ... What about us? Don't you want me any more?"
I looked at her for a long while, and I forced myself to be honest. "I do care for you, Carla-but not the way I used to. That's gone now. It started when I first thought of using you to help me put one over on Jason. That's when I tried to live your kind of life, and that's when-even though I didn't realize it at the time that's when my feeling for you started to change. It ended for us, Carla, when I saw Iris dead in that alley. I tried to call and tell you that, but there was no answer." I looked away from her for a moment, then swung back to her. "It's all over for us, Carla." I said firmly. "I'm sorry."
She stared at me for a long moment, then without a word, picked up her coat and walked out, closing the apartment door quietly behind her.
I stood looking at the closed door, and my thoughts were only of Julie. I didn't know how much she had heard from the bedroom, but I was going to tell her everything-about me and Carla, about Iris, about Jason. Everything.
And I'd tell her, too, that I still thought she had a good play. It might take more time now to get it produced, but I'd work with her on it-after I first found a job, of course-and I'd help her all I could, and I'd be with her all the time. If she wanted me.
I hurried to the bedroom door and opened it, Julie was sitting up in bed.
"Julie-" I began, and then faltered.
"Yes, Phil?" she said, and she smiled at me.
"I've got a lot to tell you," I said, walking toward the bed.
And when I saw that she was still smiling at me, when I saw the warmth and understanding in her eyes, I knew that I already had her answer.
Everything was going to be all right now.