Chapter 2
That bitter attitude toward girls seemed to go away while I was in college and in the army but it just went underground because I gave up chasing girls altogether.
I took ROTC in college and studied math. That took a lot of time, and the rest was filled up with drinking beer, watching TV, playing poker, and going through all the bullshit that my lousy fraternity dreamed up to keep horny guys from going off the wall. It was a rejects frat and everybody knew it
After college I got commissioned as a second lieutenant and ended up in Germany as an accountant. All through that time I kept away from girls. I acted like sex was beneath me. When the guys were out whoring I'd stay in my room and jerk off. I couldn't stand their patronizing crap. "Come on, Bob! Let's go get laid!" They could take it that lightly because they didn't really need the whores. The whores were just a drunken lark for them. They'd come in at four in the morning and wake me up and if they weren't too bombed to talk they'd tell me all about it
"You should've seen it! We picked up four of them over by the park and we got this hotel room. They were good lookin' as hell and they were out for those nice fat soldier-boy bankrolls. The first thing we get into the room this dark-haired one with the biggest tits you ever saw tears off her blouse and gets down on her knees and before I know it she's sucking me off. Jesus, what a fucking mouth she had! Then she puts my dick between her tits and I fuck her tits for a while, just getting it up into her mouth with the farthest pushes, you know, till POW! I shoot the biggest load of come you ever saw all over her face. She tries to get down on me while I'm still shooting but we're both laughing like crazy and she can't get it
"Meanwhile Jack and Charlie have got the clothes off this skinny blonde and they've got one up her cunt and another up her ass-standing up, yet She's just bouncing around between them like a basketball, wailing those phony whore-moans, shoving her tits up into Jack's mouth.
"Well there's this other blonde, a little bit bigger-could've been the skinny one's sister, for all I know-and so I say to her, 'Why don't you lick my come off this one's face?' I take out a pile of tens-Jesus, do they go for that American money-and start throwing them around like confetti. Well that did it. Those two were all over each other, sucking tit, licking twat, biting ass.. . .
"The last was this super-slick looking redhead and she was the finest of the bunch. Had these wide, innocent-looking green eyes . . . a face like a little girl, you know, but a nice full figure with two of the snow-whitest tits you ever saw. I pull her blouse off and BANGO! Her nipples, nice little soft pink ones, snap right to attention like buck privates at inspection, and they're sticking out about an inch, all red. Hahaha! They looked like a sow's! I never saw such a thing with a whore. So I yank her skirt down and she's not wearing panties, and her box is shaved clean! I say to myself, 'Got to have some of that right now,' but before my peter even pops up all the way she jumps on me and wraps her legs around my waist and holds me around the neck with one hand and crams it in with the other. We're off and fucking, and this chick's grunting and squinching up her eyes and writhing around just like she's doing it for free. Such a cunt "she had. She could do more to you with that thing than the best cock-suckers can do with their mouths, I swear to God.
I grab her ass cheeks like I'm squeezing juice out of them and watch the two other girls going at it on the floor and I give her a good shot, nice and deep. She seizes up for a second and just milks the come out of me, and then what do you think happens? She starts groaning, 'More! More!' Only at first I can't understand her because of her accent and because I'm so fuckin bombed. 'More cock! More cock!' she goes. She makes me hold her up and she reaches around behind and in a second I can feel her shoving fingers up into her cunt along with my cock. Well I get my hard-on back and I say, 'Jack, get your porker over here right away, this is a red alert!' Over comes Jack and whips her fingers out and crams his cock in. Well the chick goes 'AAAAAA-AAHH' and spreads like she was droppin' a kid. Jack and I fucked her together like that, and was it wild. . . . "-
Stuff like that. I used to listen to it like I was sort of amused but mostly bored. But I also saw the whole thing happening, right down to the last detail. I'd collect scenes like that and when I jerked off, if I wasn't using the old standby of the imaginary girl who just said, "It's yours-take it," I'd play them back to myself like so many dirty movies. Except that I'd put myself in the other guys' places.
I couldn't go whoring myself because I was scared to death of women by this time and besides, for me it would have been an indignity to pay for it because I couldn't get it any other way and everybody else knew it. I couldn't go without the others because I knew I'd die if I had to ask a woman for anything even if I had a thousand dollars to give her for it. And I couldn't go with them because besides being scared to death it would be my first time and I couldn't take it lightly the way they could. If I could get over my fright they'd see me going crazy over some whore and they'd know I was a fool and a bumbler.
So instead they thought I was queer. It began as kidding at first but when they saw how I really was they began to think they might be right.
That led to another strange thing. One night a sort of wimpy-looking guy-maybe five-six, a hundred and thirty-knocked on my door, and when I answered I could see he was really bothered, scared, desperate about something. He had a shallow, pale face, with a nose kind of like the blade of an oar, but he was a pretty kid all the same. He had blond hair.
It turned out he was queer and he'd heard I might be and he knew he was taking a terrible chance but he couldn't help it He was the manager of the football team and I'd seen him at some games. I could tell he was a nice, smart kid. I told him to get the hell out.
He got really petrified and begged me not to report him. He started to cry.
Well that was too much. I didn't know what the hell I was doing but I dragged him inside and asked him what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to suck my cock. So I just pulled it out and shoved him down on his knees and crammed it into his mouth.
He went crazy. He gobbled it down and licked it all over and then he started kissing it, which gave me the creeps. But he was so good! I just got drunk with the sensation and collapsed back onto my bed.
He got me off twice and then he wanted me to ass-fuck him but when I said I didn't want to he said that was fine, that was great, anything I wanted, was there anything else he could do for me? All this time he was acting just like a girl, and looking at him I'd have said he could have been one, add to his chest and take away from his crotch. I said no and then I realized that I really wanted to ask whether there was anything else I could do for him. I was even tempted to try ass-fucking him. But I didn't say anything.
He left pretty soon after, and it scared me a little, the way he looked at me almost like I was a god. But when he was gone I realized that my body was still shaking and my cock was going up again remembering him sucking me. I had to admit it had been the only real sex I'd ever had with another person and it had been good.
This happened just before my tour of duty was up. Ronnie-that's what I'll call him, just like Tm calling myself Bob-came back a few more times and I did end up ass-fucking him, and that felt pretty damned nice. He liked it hard. He even liked me to hurt him a little. So I imagined I was ass-fucking that bitch I'd almost bled to death over, with her strapped over a rail and screaming for mercy, and between that and the feeling of my cock getting gobbled up by a living hole for the first time and Ronnie going insane with pleasure I had my best orgasm ever.
Then I came back to the States.
I hope that wherever Ronnie is today, he's getting what he needs from somebody better than I was. I guess I wasn't so bad for him at the end, because I was actually beginning to believe I was queer. I sucked him off a few times and it really did something to my groin to know I could send that kid into seventh heaven just by letting him squeeze a shot off into my mouth.
He gave me the addresses of some of his friends in New York and said that if I was queer I'd better live there, or in San Francisco or LA maybe-someplace big. I didn't have any other plans so I got a job in New York as an accountant. I never called any of his friends and for the first few months I went to a whole lot of porno movies and strip shows and things, some hetero, some homo, trying to figure out where I was.
Then this friend of Ronnie's named Bruce called me up. Ronnie had written him about me and would I like to come to a party.
I won't go into the party or any of that, but the fact is that I started having an affair with Bruce. There were a lot of good things about it but we both knew there was something strained and finally one morning he said, "You know, you're not really gay." He didn't say it with a nasty tone, but he was pretty hard on me. "You just want somebody more desperate than you are to come after you the way you'd like to go after women. That way you can play the part of the woman the way you'd like to see it played. You can say, 'Go ahead and take it. It's yours.' Then you can imagine what the gay guy feels like, just having it given to him like that when he needs it so bad. You can identify with him and pretend you're fucking the woman you're also pretending to be." He was really a smart and together guy, Bruce was. "You don't start with any attraction to the male body. You start with the female and you have to go through so many changes to get yourself to accept the male that, for shit sake, I sometimes have to sit around watching you make them!" He laughed. He basically liked me a lot. "You're a closet hetero!" He chuckled and clapped me on the shoulder. He watched me carefully while I got dressed and he could see just from my frown that he was right. Ji I hadn't been so busy repressing things I would have known that from the moment I took out my cock for Ronnie.
"Look," he offered as he said goodbye to me, "I know some pretty nifty bisexual chicks, even a few hetero ones, who'd lie down and spread out for you in two seconds. Why don't I intro.. . . "
"No thanks," I said. I was really up and down at the same time and I just had to be by myself. I was up because I knew I wasn't gay and there were so many hassles connected with being gay, and besides, it was just true of me and I'd denied it and that's never good. I was down because I'd been a failure as a hetero and at least Td got some satisfaction as a homo, but now that I knew how I'd tricked myself-just to avoid facing my failure at being what I really was-I knew that was gone, Td never get satisfaction out of a homosexual relationship again.
Bruce was really sympathetic. "Look," he said, "I know how you feel. It was the same thing when I admitted to myself that I was getting off on girls by pretending that they were guys. But it'll work out sooner or later. Take my word for it. You're luckier straight than you are gay in this world." He snorted. "So I guess I don't feel that sorry for you."
I walked out of the gay life for good then, and after that came three months of the purest hell in my life. I'd got used to that real human contact with Ronnie and Bruce and the others and no matter how many pictures and movies I looked at, no matter how many books I read, they didn't make a real woman. They weren't even meant to. A movie was a movie and a picture was a picture and a book was a book. People naturally liked to watch movies, look at pictures, read books-and sometimes they liked to watch sex movies, look at sex pictures, read sex books, and get excited by them, just the way they got on edge watching suspense movies, got feelings of peace from nature pictures, got thrilled reading adventure stories, and so on. But with me it was different. The books and pictures and movies were all I'd ever get in my whole life and I couldn't enjoy them because I had to try to make them something they couldn't be. I'd curse at them, stomp out of the movies, rip up the books in fits of rage. It was idiotic. I thought I was going crazy.
Then came that sudden flash.
I was lying at home in bed late one night watching a detective show. An absolutely gorgeous brunette was trying to blackmail a big-time politician because she'd once had an affair with him and he'd thrown her over. She lured him to her apartment "just once more" and this time she got pictures. Well the hero, the detective, was working for the politician, and once he saw what was up he went about doing research. He found out that the brunette had a little brother, about fourteen, whom she was supporting while he lived with their grandparents. She desperately wanted to protect him from the crap she'd put up with from the world since their parents had died. The detective got a tape recording of her trying to blackmail the politician, and he had copies of the pictures of the girl doing some pretty raunchy things with him. (I imagine. Naturally they didn't show them on TV) So he showed up at her apartment grinning like a Cheshire cat and laid it on her. "Give it up or your little brother gets an ear and an eyeful."
I thought that was clever as hell. It put me in mind of a passage in a book called All The King's Men to the effect that if you dig deep enough you can get dirt that hurts on anybody.
The show was about over and to tell the truth I was jerking off on the brunette-she was so sexy, so tough looking, so perfect an example of the kind of woman I was bitter about, and here she was breaking down and begging this detective not to wreck her life. She was helpless. "If I was in his shoes," I said to myself, "I'd tell her, 'And pull down your panties too, while you're at it. I'm going to fuck you good before I go.' "
Jesus did that get me off. A whole new feeling of power swept over me saying, "You can fuck those bitches!" I must've shot nearly to the ceiling.
Everything fell into place: the hunting, the fishing, the rejection, the misery? the revenge-and the satisfaction.
I had just the chick in mind and I knew a whole lot I could get on her. From there on out it was all downhill.