Chapter 13
It was all starting to come together for me. The fog was lifting, and small bits and pieces of the puzzle were beginning to take shape and form themselves into a picture. For a long time they had just danced around in my head-my birthday, Mark and the children, my sexual preoccupation during the last few weeks, even that ... man who had attacked me last night. For the first time, everything seemed to be moving together, as though each piece meant something intrinsically more than just itself; as though each piece was an important part of an ever larger truth I had to learn about myself, and about what was really happening to me. The dust was settling.
Last night's attack had taught me both something about myself and, more importantly, about life in general. Just what that knowledge was yet, I still could not read fully. But it would all solidify soon, I knew, and I would at last understand.
This much I had discerned: what was happening to me this weekend, and even before, in the last few weeks leading up to my birthday-none of it was accidental. It was all very purposefully controlled by my unconscious mind, for whatever reason-I do not know. But not a bit of it was accidental-the sex, the anxiety, the restlessness and dissatisfaction, yes, and even the attack-all of it has meaning. And I could feel that moment of truth drawing near until it would soon be at hand.
In the meantime, all I had to do was wait-wait for the kaleidoscope to cease turning enough for me to see the design. Events were coming to me. All I had to do was accept them and follow my instincts. My unconscious mind would lead me to the answer.
Perhaps this is why I found myself out early Sunday morning. It was not yet nine, and the streets of Manhattan were deserted. It was like a ghost town or a wilderness.
I couldn't sleep after last night. I tossed and turned on the bed. Any thought I might have had to return to the street and continue my role as a prostitute had been forcibly driven from my mind.
Yet, strangely, it was not the rape that disturbed me. That I could learn to accept; even reconcile it away logically. An occupational hazard for a whore.
No, what disturbed me more, was my reaction to the attack-my pleasure. I had enjoyed it, and he had known it. He had seen something in me that even I didn't know. What was it? Why was it there? What did it mean?
His voice haunted me. Not his cruel, sick laughter or the humiliation he had heaped on me. "You like it, don't you," he had said. Then he stopped himself and reconsidered. "No," he had realized. "You need it!"
The words sunk into my flesh and touched something raw and painful underneath; something bidden in my unconscious mind. The wheels began to turn-slowly, ponderously, but turn nevertheless. Why did I need it?
At sunrise, I found myself awake and staring out the window. The sunrise seemed like a smudge of gray dirt across the New York City sky. Buildings twinkled as the sunlight ihuminated their tips-like a million gray candles celebrating my birthday.
My room seemed small and confining. I showered and dressed, then had breakfast in the hotel diner in the lobby. I had to get out, get away.
I walked downtown through the empty, early morning streets. I saw a few partiers returning late, like vampires returning to their coffins before the sun destroyed them. I saw drunks and winoes laying in the gutter like discarded rubbish. Their clothing was brown and greasy with filth, and gray stubble pocked their cheeks. I even saw a few real prostitutes standing on the corner of 49th Street The sunlight made them seem harsh and glaring, like cheap-painted toys that were stenciled "Made-In-Japan." I couldn't take my eyes from them. Their laughter rang in my ears like hollow echoes of something that eluded my awareness.
I was standing, staring at them, when a young boy said to me: "Lady!"
I turned around and looked at him. He couldn't have been more than seventeen.
"I've got fifteen dollars," he said. "Is that enough?"
I stared at him in disbelief. "No," I mumbled, and I turned away from him. He called after me two or three times, but I didn't turn back. I was afraid to.
"What's happening to me?" I asked myself.
I wandered further downtown until I was at Times Square. Stores were opening-frankfurters, pizza, transistor radios. I saw all the porno theaters-pictures of tits and thighs, and men and women in suggestive, sexual attitudes. The names of all the films were lurid, with crude, double meanings. I found myself staring at the advertisements for the films. My eyes darted from one obscenity to another.
My head began to spin and the street seemed to go out of focus. I felt faint I had to escape! Get away!
Everything was moving so quickly. Spinning and swirling around, clattering in my ears like hollow laughter.
"One!" I heard someone say. Was it me? Someone handed me a ticket, then tore it in half. I saw drapes part, and felt the cool caress of air conditioned darkness touch my skin. I stumbled blindly forward into the darkness, my head throbbing, and the din of laughter ringing in my ears.
I sat down somewhere and closed my eyes. I felt silence all around me. Silence and darkness. I felt cool, and my breathing was growing relaxed. My heart was no longer racing. The dizziness slipped away, and the echoes quieted until they were gone.
I opened my eyes.
I was in a movie theater.
I was sitting in the back row, up against the wall. Down in front of me were countless rows of empty seats, speckled occasionally with heads and shoulders. There couldn't have been more than ten or fifteen people in the theatre. They were all sitting separately, with rows between them, as though they needed the darkness to prevent contamination.
On the screen was a riot of color. My eyes took a moment to adjust themselves to see. The color came into focus, and became two naked bodies. The scene was a close-up of a man's cock sliding silently in and out of some woman's cunt. Her legs were parted widely, and I could see the black crimp of her pubic hair, and the split pink lips of her cunt swallowing the thick rod of someone's cock.
The film was silent, with no words or grunts or music. Just silent, sterile fucking in an almost empty movie house. The ten-foot-long cock slid in and out of the gigantic-sized cunt. The woman's face seemed impassive, flickering at times with false passion.
My breathing had returned to normal. I sat there in the darkness, watching the scene on the screen, feeling detached from any involvement. I watched the moving cock and the thirsting cunt, and felt no passion. My mind and my body were cold.
How long I had been sitting there before I heard the noise, I don't know. It registered on my brain after I remember having heard it; as though it filtered down through the layers of awareness. The sound seemed to be coming from my right, further down the row. It sounded like breathing, or heavy panting.
I turned and saw him. An older man, perhaps in his fifties. He was slumped in his seat, with his body turned towards me. His legs were parted, and he had his cock pulled out. He was jerking himself off and looking at me. He could not have been more than ten feet from me.
I stared at him for a moment, still feeling no reaction. He was unreal to me as the two fucking bodies on the screen. His cock looked like a pale sliver of flesh in the dark.
I stared at him for a long while. I watched without feeling anything as he slowly pumped his curled fist up and down his cock. He spread his thighs more fully when he saw I was watching, and he exaggerated the movement of his hand. With each upward stroke of his hand, he seemed to be offering his cock to me.
I turned away from him and looked back at the screen. The man on the film was finally achieving orgasm. He pulled his long cock from her silent cunt and spilled his thick white come on her stomach. Then she put her hand down in it and rubbed it over her stomach and cunt, lastly licking the dripping fluid from her fingers.
The scene flickered for a moment, and then the couple vanished. In their place was another couple-seminude. The woman was blonde, and she was sucking on a half-hard cock of a man wearing pants. There had been no transition from one film to the other, from one couple to the other, from one sex act to the other. It was all the same.
Her red lips pulled in a tight circle around the man's cock, and she pushed her face dispassionately up and down the cock. I watched it vanish into her mouth and then slide out again, wet with her saliva.
I turned again and looked at the man. He was watching the screen with flirting glimpses, pivoting his head back and forth, dividing his attention to the film and to gaining my attention. He had his balls pulled out of his pants, and they rested on his lap. Like the man in the film, the old man's cock was only semi-hard.
Without a word, I began to slide closer to the old man, slipping wordlessly from one seat to the next. His mouth dropped open, and disbelief registered on his face. He pulled himself up, away from me, as though he really didn't want what he was asking for.
I stopped one seat from him. His mouth was open, and he no longer was holding his cock. I looked at the screen. In the film the scene had not significandy changed: the woman was still sliding her mouth up and down the man's cock. Now he was holding her head.
I dropped down on my knees and leaned forward, taking his semi-hard cock in my mouth. I grasped the warm flesh between my tight lips, and sucked upward. I felt the head flop wetly against my tongue. I lashed it smoothly, stroking the underside, and bathing it in a puddle of saliva. I felt it growing steadily harder, until it stood erect from his belly.
His thighs tensed, and he held my head down against him. His flesh tasted stale and sweaty, and I could smell the odor of sex from between his thighs.
I jerked my head up and down, permitting his cock to penetrate the wetness of my mouth. He began to moan and squirm in his seat, and his hands became steel bands, binding me to his crotch. He pulled my face down and pushed his hips up to greet my plunging face. His cock jammed deeply into my throat, flat against my tongue, and began to jerk violently. He began to spew his come against my tongue in hot, spilling bursts. I swirled my tongue across the tip of his cock, providing even more pleasure and heightening his orgasm to the point that it made him moan audibly.
My mouth filled up with his sperm, forming a puddle in my cheeks, and clotting under my tongue. I sucked his cock dry, and allowed it to flop from my lips. A thin string of sperm trickled from the side of my mouth.
I spit the sperm from my mouth onto the floor, and wiped my lips against his pants leg. My mouth still tasted of sperm. A luke-warm, slimy film on my tongue and against my teeth.
I stood up and returned to my seat. The old man just sat there incredulously, with his deflated cock lying like a dead bird across his open fly. The organ had shriveled down to nothing.
I watched the film again. It had changed. Both the man and the woman were naked now. The camera held a tight close-up of her cunt. She was on top of him, with her cunt facing the camera; they were eating each other. The screen was filled with her ass, and the pink slit of her hairy cunt. The man's tongue was sliding in and out of the hole, up into the redness of her body. He was holding the lips of her cunt open with his fingers so that no thrust of his tongue was missed by the audience. Down at the bottom of her cunt I could see the bud of her clit barely poking from between the blonde hair of her lips.
I got up from my seat and walked down the aisle to the next row where there was a man. He was on the opposite side, and I slid into the row. He had one leg up against the seats in front of him, and he had his hand in his crotch. He gave an uncomprehending stare when I sat down next to him.
I wasted no time. I put my hand on his thigh, up near his crotch. He pulled away and looked at me. I put my hand back.
"Get out of here!" he growled.
I lifted my skirt and revealed my naked cunt. "I'm a woman," I said, "not a fag. Now do you want me to suck your cock or not?"
He didn't answer. I lifted his hand and placed it between my legs. He squeezed my cunt in disbelief.
"Take it out," I told him.
"I don't have any money...." he began.
"Did I ask for money!" I hissed. "Now take it out!"
He did, and I dropped to my knees between his legs.
His cock was soft, and I thought I tasted a gooey bubble of dried sperm near the opening. He must have just jerked himself off.
In a matter of minutes I had sucked his cock until it was stiff again. About a minute later, he came in my mouth. It was just a thin, watery stream that dribbled from the end of his cock. Apparently he had come more than once.
I spit the sperm out and sat back in the seat. "Give me your handkerchief."
He handed it to me and I wiped my lips. I handed it back to him. "I hope this gives you something to think about the next time you jerk off," I told him, I stood and walked out of the row, back to the middle aisle. His mouth was still open as he watched me enter the next row where there was a man.
This time, he was a middle-aged black. He was sitting with both feet on the floor, with his hands in his lap. I could see the long lump of his cock out-lined against the side of his tight-fitting pants. It took me only a moment to convince him to take out his cock. He did so willingly.
His cock was long and thick, commensurate to anything I have had in the past few weeks. The organ was as hard as a rock, and was ebony black. I slipped it pleasurably between my lips and began to suck. He came a ton, squirting his hot come into my throat like jets of hot water from a fire-hose. He moaned the loudest.
Everything was coming in clear now for me, I realized as I walked again down the aisle. It was all coming to an end, and soon I would know what it was that was driving me onward like this.
The next one was a boy, no older than twenty, twenty-one. He had long blond hair, worn to his shoulders, and a tight blond beard. He had a coat over his lap, and it seemed to be bouncing up and down regularly.
I sat next to him and slipped my hand under the coat My fingers went around his hand which was on his cock.
At the touch of my hand, he pulled his own hand back, and I wrapped my hand around his harden, stroking it in the same up and down rhythm.
He turned and looked at me with heavy, glassy eyes. "Wow!" he whispered in true admiration. "That's where it is, baby!"
He seemed to accept what I was doing as though it was the most natural, expected thing in the world. For him, I was an extension of the film he was watching: the ultimate sexual fantasy-the one that touches you back!
His cock was firm and hot; not enormous, but a good size. I bent forward and lifted his coat. He stopped me with his hand on my shoulder.
"Fuck me," he said.
I looked up at him, his erect cock touching my face. "Where?"
"The balcony. Must be a place."
I considered for a moment. "All right."
He stuffed his cock back in his pants, but couldn't zipper it. He held his coat in front of his lap as he stood, and together we slid out of the row and walked up the aisle, side by side. The middle-aged black man was where I left him, and his eyes immediately fastened on us. We walked past him, and I saw my other friend. I could see he had his pants open, and his cock was in his fist. He was jerking off again. He stopped when he saw me, and wagged his cock at me.
As we reached the back of the theatre, I looked for the old man, but he was gone. There was a stairway to the right of the exit, and we turned up it, expecting to find the balcony. But there was none, and all we found were the bathrooms.
"No balcony," I said.
He dropped his coat, and I saw his still erect cock. It stood away from his body like a swollen, stiff finger.
"Fuck me anyhow," he said. He touched his cock.
I looked around. The lounge was a simple square room, with no corners or hall ways. There were three doors. One marked "Men," the other "Women." I guessed the third door led to the projection room. "Where?" I asked.
He looked around desperately. "There!" He pointed to the men's room.
"No," I said. "There." The ladies room. "It's safer."
I pushed open the door, and he followed me in, cock and coat in hand. The room was a shiny blue tile, with two stalls against the far wall. I walked over to one and opened the blue, swinging door.
"We'll do it on the toilet seat," I told him.
"Beautiful." His eyes seemed foggy, and he held his cock delicately, sliding his hand up and down its length to maintain its present state.
"You go in first," I told him. "Sit down."
He went in, putting down the seat and sitting back. I looked at him for a moment, with his cock in his hand, jutting from between the flap of his pants, and I felt a strange feeling come over me. It was almost there now. I almost knew what it was; what it all meant. All the faces and all the men were slipping quietly in place, making clear the vision. I felt on the brink of a great, personal discovery....
"Come on!" he said, breaking into my thoughts.
He had his pants down, and his thighs were bare. He had fine blond hair on his legs and around his cock. His flesh was bright pink, like a baby's.
I entered the stall and closed the door behind me, locking it I squatted down between his legs and slid my mouth up and down his waiting cock. I made my mouth as wet as I could, dribbling saliva all over his cock. I took it out of my mouth and ticked it with my tongue, as though it were a lollipop. He moaned with pleasure from my tongue.
"Now wet me," I said. I turned around and lifted my skirt, exposing my ass. I bent forward, spreading the cheeks of my ass, and revealing my cunt. I felt his tongue lash out and tick itself between the lips of my cunt. He pushed the tongue up inside of the passageway, wetting it, and preparing it for his cock. Wet, electric flashes of pleasure danced across my cunt.
"Enough," I moaned. My clit was hard and my cunt was open. I was ready to be fucked. More importantly, I wanted to be fucked.
I stepped back with my thighs open around his legs. I held my skirt bunched in my arms, so my legs and cunt were totally bare. I squatted down over his cock, jutting my ass out, and I lowered myself upon his erect cock. I felt the hard tip of the organ push against the outside lips of my cunt.
"Put it in," I said. "I can't get it in."
I felt his hand come down between our bodies. I brushed against the wet underside of my cunt, and made me shudder. I felt his cock stiffen, and pull forward into my cunt A ripple of pleasure speared through my body as his cock plowed between the lips, up into the aching fires of my body.
I lowered my weight slowly, enjoying the spreading swell of sexuality that pushed up into me as more and more of his hardness penetrated into me. I felt the soft cushion of his belly under my ass, and the hardness of his thighs between my legs. I had his full cock in my cunt.
I slid around on his lap, grinding my ass down and back and forth. Thrills of pleasure coursed through out my cunt, making my thighs tremble and my knees grow weak. I tensed my toes, and pushed myself up slightly. I felt his cock moving inside of me.
His hands came around me and held onto my hips. His fingertips dug into my flesh when I continued to push myself upward, causing his cock to slide through the wet pink folds of my cunt bringing pleasure to the both of us. I lifted myself until his cock was almost out and then I relaxed my thighs, and plunged down again. His cock drove up into my belly like a battering ram.
"Beautiful," he moaned. He pumped his hips up to greet my cunt.
I felt the pleasure growing in my belly-a steady, peak-by-peak building that would ultimately lead to my orgasm and to my understanding. The tension in my cunt became more and more intense, and the fogs within my brain began to sweep away. I found myself reaching for both goals, with my cunt tightening down, and my mind expanding and grasping. I felt it within my reach, I only had to close my hands around it....
The door of the bathroom creaked open.
I gasped in frustration, and felt both ends slip away. Then fear stabbed through my mind. Had we been caught?
"It's me," said a voice from the doorway.
I looked through the crack in the swinging door. It was the masturbator from downstairs. He was corning back for more.
"Let me in," he whispered.
I looked behind me, at my hippy-lover. His face was screwed up in pleasure, and I don't think he knew what was going on. I knew in a moment what I had to do.
I unlocked the door of the stall and pushed it open, "Yes," I said.
He took in the scene in a single gasp. He had his cock pulled from his pants, and it was erect I reached for it feeling the second cock in the depths of my belly pull tightly as I moved.
"Come here!" I said. I lifted up and plunged my cunt down.
He took his place in front of me. I bent my face down and took him again in my mouth. I pushed down with my cunt and slid my mouth forward on his cock. I rocked back and forth, from one cock to the other; one sliding in and the other sliding out.
I tightened my cunt and sucked hard with my mouth. I felt pleasure building again in my cunt. I squeezed it back, and felt it slide up my cuntal passageway, sliding pleasurably around the thickness of the cock in my cunt I wrapped my hands around his hips, and pulled his cock into my mouth. At the same time, I squeezed my legs together, and pushed my body upward, trapping the cock in my belly. A fire seemed to tick up my cunt with flames of growing passion spreading wildly, uncontrollably.
I felt my orgasm leaping and crackling, setting my brain on fire, and clearing away everything. Faces flashed before my spinning eyes-Mark, Lynda, Ed Richards, Tony Salerno, Jack and Alex, and finally the face of the man who had raped me! It was all there ... the whole truth!
"I'm coming...." the hippy moaned. He shoved his cock violently into my cunt.
"Noooo!" I screamed, pulling my lips away from the other cock. "Not yet!"
I was so close to coming; so close to knowing. I tightened my cunt around his exploding cock, trying to prevent the orgasm that was bubbling up inside of me from spilling out against the inner lining of my cunt, and putting out the fire that was building there. I tried to keep his hardness, his driving, pounding passion from ever ending, or to delay it just enough to push myself over the last threshold into my own moment of truth.
But I was too late, and he spilled out his seed into the aching emptiness of my cunt.
"Nooo!" I screamed again, sensing it all slipping away from me. "Fuck me!"
I stood erect in the stall, looking back at the hippy. He had come all over his belly. It was dripping from my cunt. I bent my face to his limp, wet cock and licked at the sperm, "Fuck me!" I screamed to the man whom I had been sucking. "Fuck me!"
I put the limp, wet cock in my mouth and started sucking life back into it. I felt a cock behind me, slipping between the lips of my cunt. But the cock was too small! I could hardly feel it!
"Harder!" I moaned, rolling my supplicating face through the puddle of sperm on the hippy's belly. "HARDER!"
He thrust his hips frantically against me, with his cock slapping through the valley of my cunt. I heard the noise of his thighs against my nakedness, as he kept pushing me forward with his pounding thrusts.
"Harder!" I moaned. I felt my orgasm growing again, higher and higher, stronger and stronger- I heard a slam of a door somewhere in the back of my mind, then heard voices. The sounds all blended together in a blurred irrationality. All that mattered was mat I had come! Nothing else was important!
I felt a hand on my tit, squeezing and pulling, slipping under my blouse to play with the naked nipples. I lifted my face from the limp cock of the hippy and looked up. I saw the face of the black man I had sucked, and then, behind him, the face of a man I didn't know.
How did they get in here! What were they doing here!
It didn't matter!
"Fuck me?' I moaned, sperm dribbling down my chin.
I pulled my cunt away from the man who was fucking me. His cock plopped out wetly. He had come inside of me already, and I hadn't realized it I could feel his sperm trickling from between the lips of my cunt.
The hippy got up, and the black man took his place. I forced my weight down on his erection, and he slid up into the scathing torrent of my cunt. His cock was huge, and it filled me with the swelling thickness that I needed. I sighed as I lowered myself, feeling him parting my cunt with his thick, black member.
"My mouth!" I moaned. My mouth was empty, and I needed something in it.
A blur of color moved in front of me. A zipper flashed open, and a long hot cock slithered into my mouth. I sucked the new hardness gratefully, sliding my lips up and down as I bounced frantically on the cock in my cunt.
Closer, closer, I could feel myself coming closer....
I reached my hands out in space, clutching, grasping for something. I felt something in my right hand. It was the wet sagging cock I had just satisfied. I squeezed it in my fist, feeling the slimy ooze squish between my fingers. I began to jerk my hand up and down, making the flesh flop like a fish out of water.
My other hand grasped for something, and I found another cock. Only this one was hard and long, and belonged to someone else. It didn't matter whose it was. All that mattered was that it was there. I slid my hand up and down its hard length.
I could feel the moist walls of my tortured cunt clasp around the fleshy cudgle that was pounding into my crotch. My cunt devoured his entire length hungrily, slithering down until I was impaled on his entire length, I could feel his balls smacking wetly into my ass, The passageway was on fire, and this time I knew nothing could put that fire out.
I sucked inwardly with my lips, and squeezed both hands and I ground my cunt against the battering ram that was exploding at my womb. I felt hot palms sliding across my tits, pulling and pinching the flesh until my whole body seemed as though it was going to explode.
Something was screaming in my ears, and suddenly, in the moment of supreme ecstasy, I realized it was my own scream I was listening to-my scream of release!
"I'm coming!" I screamed. "Oh God! I'm coming! Fuck hard! Oh Christ Godl Fuck hard!"
And, in that moment of orgasm, I knew.
Sex was a means. A way to an end. I had been so afraid of getting old that I refused to acknowledge age. I had used my body as a time machine-a way to recapture the past my youth, the intensity of experience! It was as though I could regain my past my youth through sexual passion! As though sex would melt away years!
Fire cleanses, I knew. Fire purges. And I had to be made clean again! I had to settle in my mind who I was, and what my life meant.
Sex was that fire. The fire to burn away my fear and my guilt. A sexual catharsis through which I will suffer my passion, yet know in the end that I will find peace.
It was as though the very top-most layer of my skin had been burned away, and revealed underneath, a new person.
Wendy Allen was that new person. Not Carol Taylor or Elaine Marshall, or whomever it is that I am now! Wendy Allen!
I had to move from one stage of my life to another, An emotional transition. Whenever something moves, energy is needed to effect that transition. My energy was sexual. A burst of fierce sexual fire to burn away all the skeletons, the cobwebs, the ties that bound me to the past. It all had to go. I had to move to the next level of my life.
Sex was the mover. Sex was the means.
I can accept myself now, I knew. I can accept my birthday, my age. I cani accept what I have become, and what I have always been. I can go home now to Mark and the children. I am cleansed and free! I can love Mark again because I can love myself again.
I felt the fires of sexuality burning throughout my body, and I released myself to the passion of the liberating orgasm.
Sexual catharsis! I thought. That's what he meant last night when he said "I needed it!"
He was right I did need it. It was the only way.
I crushed my cunt against the cock that was fucking into my cunt, and I sucked hard on the one that was in my mouth. Both cocks began to come together, as though each's sperm were filling both ends of my body, each seeking the warmth that flooded through my middle. I jerked the two cocks that were in my hands, the soft and the hard, and I felt sperm splashing like boiling oil against my hands and fingers. Hands tightened around my tits, and I felt two mouths sucking body at my nipples.
I cried out in ecstasy as wave after wave of my orgasm exploded in my brain.
I could go home again, I knew. Go home to Mark.
I smiled inwardly to myself.
It would be a good trip.