Chapter 19

When I woke up the next morning, I was sick, not physically sick but mentally sick. I couldn't keep my mind off the hours of shame that I had gone through the night before and k gave me the shakes. Rosie had some whiskey. I drank it and ordered another bottle from the drug store and I told them to hurry with it. For breakfast, I had whiskey and water.

A man banged on the front door, but I told Rosie not to answer it. I couldn't stand the sight of a man, let alone do anything with him. I was a mess; my hair and face a sight. He banged on my front door for about five minutes and I thought he was going to kick it in. He wanted me bad, but it was tough because I didn't want him or his money. Not right now, but I knew that in an hour or so, I would be kicking myself for not taking him on.

Finally, he went away.

They had hired a new guy to take Bill's place and he came around. He was strictly a punk. He was about twenty-five and had just done time for armed robbery with intent to kill. I think that's what they called it. He tried to act tough, real tough in front of us, and he had a cigarette dangling from the corner of his lips.

"There's a successful little juvenile deliquent if I ever saw one," Rosie commented.

She took my bottle away from me and tried to get me to drink some coffee but I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to get good and drunk and for a few moments forget that there was such a thing as sex. The few times that I have been drunk, I have imagined this to be a sexless world. It was a delightful place to be and I was feeling that way now.

"Why can't we be like insects or something?" I looked up at Rosie, "When I took biology or something, I saw a little bug under a microscope. Know what he did? He just divided himself in two. He didn't go to all the bother we do." I shook my finger at Rosie, "Did you ever stop to think how much trouble sex is? Rosie, it ain't worth the trouble."

I made a sweeping motion with my hand and knocked over my glass.

"Girl, are you packing a load," Rosie said.

She made me stand outside in the clear air for awhile, then fed me some coffee. I got the giggles for awhile, but I came out of them when I got sick. Rosie held my head while I threw up.

"Why didn't you let me stay drunk?" I cried.

"Cause you're a working girl," Rosie answered. "You've got to meet your public with a smile whether you feel like it or not."

She helped me to dress and make myself presentable for my customers. I didn't remember that I had a date with Tom until Lois showed up at noon. I didn't feel like facing him, but I knew I couldn't stay away from him. I was in the mood to talk to him and tell him about myself.

I was busy in my room with a date when I heard Tom's clear voice in the parlor. My entire body froze with fear.

"Are you Mrs. Wanda Lane?" I heard him ask Lois.

"No, Honey, Wanda is busy with a customer," Lois answered. "I'm Lois, would you want to go to bed with me instead?"

I sprang out of bed and remembered to put on my robe. I was fumbling with the snaps when I flung the door open. "Tom!" I called.

I stopped; my voice caught in my throat. The way Tom stared at me made tears of shame spring into my eyes. Shame was a bitter taste in my throat and I tried to look at him, but the look on his face made my eyes sink to the floor.

"Tom, I-I can explain," I stammered.

"Here's your driver's license. I-I thought you might need it." He drew up his shoulders and let them fall, "I don't think there's anything to explain. You made a fool of me, I just hope you had a lot of fun doing it."

He turned and opened the door. I ran towards him, grabbed him and tried to hold him back. I was crying so hard that I could hardly talk or see. Tom jerked away and flung me against the door.

"There's nothing to explain, I've had it-yeah, I've really had it," he snarled. "The way you deceived me and led me on-thinking-you were a nice girl. Yeah, nice girl-Today-today, I was bragging to some guys about the swell girl I hadhow I was going to marry her. When I told them your name, they started laughing."

"It-it doesn't matter," I sobbed. "I-I love you-"

"You-talking of love?" Tom sneered. "And saying it doesn't matter. It does matter-it matters a lot-Do you think that-"

He was too angry to talk anymore. He drew back his hand and slapped me as hard as he could. It sent me reeling against the door. I had seen the blow coming, but I didn't try to duck it. I wanted him to hit me. I wanted him to use his fists on me. I wanted him to hurt me worse than I had hurt him. He stepped off the porch and started to leave. I started after him, but Rosie grabbed me. She held me with both arms and I struggled to get loose.

"Tom!" I screamed.

"It's-stay here," Rosie said.

Tom was in his car and was gone. He didn't look back. Rosie let go of me and I ran to the gate and stared uselessly at the empty street. I didn't have the strength to go after him. My customer was staring at me. Lois took his arm and led him into Rosie's bedroom.

"Do-do you think he-he'll come back to me?" I looked at Rosie.

"I don't know. You can't tell about those kind of men. They're pretty funny," Rosie answered. "All you can do is wait and see."

She was saying no, but trying to let me down easy. I went back into my room and sat down on the bed. How low can a person get? I asked myself. I wanted to cry, but I had no tears to cry with. All I could do was think and remember. My darling Tom. I remembered something so beautiful that had turned out so cheap and ugly. There was a bottle of lysol on my stand and I put it to my lips. It burned my mouth and throat, but I forced myself to keep on drinking. When the burn hit my throat, I started screaming.