Chapter 8
Lily never really knew what hell was until she awoke the next morning-alone-on her soiled and rumpled bed.
Her body ached, her poor anal passage was unbelievably sore, but the worse sensation of all was the heavy feeling in her heart.
She felt she did not have the strength to get out of bed. She did not want to face a new day ... she did not want to face another day.
If this was life-cruelty, lust and greed-perhaps she wanted no part of it.
She curled up into a little ball under the covers and pulled them over her head. The bright sunlight of morning made her feel even worse. She had never been happy in her life, but she had also never felt this much despair. There was nothing to live for. She had built a dream on an imaginary Billy Slade, but the real Billy had sold her-body and soul-for a handful of dollars.
She felt the tears massing in her breast, but she could not cry. She wanted to die. She knew there was a bottle of sleeping pills in the medicine chest in the bathroom. That was the best way. It was painless and sure.
Slowly, she swung her feet to the floor and put on her slippers. Then, pulling her bathrobe around her she padded down the hall. The house was silent and she realized that everyone was still asleep.
She opened the door to the bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror over the sink. She had dark red circles under her eyes and her face seemed drawn,. She was older and wiser now-and she knew life held nothing for her but more pain.
She opened the medicine chest and reached for the bottle of sleeping pills. Then she closed the mirror and slowly Unscrewed the cap of the bottle. She shook several of the capsules into her palm and raised her hand to her mouth.
Suddenly a voice shattered the early morning si- lence of the room.
"What are you doing?"
It was Neil. She spun around on her heel.
"None of your goddamned business." She was shocked at the vehemence of her Own voice.
"I went to your room to look for you," he said. "I-I couldn't sleep last night."
"Yeah, so what," she said. She wondered when she had grown so tough and unbelieving. Can that happen to a person overnight?
Neil grabbed the bottle of pills from her hand.
"What the hell do you think you're doing!" she spat at him. She clawed at him, trying to get the bottle back. "I'm a big girl ... I make my own decisions."
Neil was struggling with her now. "Oh Lily, stop ... stop. Don't fight me ..."
She was till for a moment. Confused. What was going on?
"What do you care," she said. "I'm better off dead."
"Lily, what are you saying!"
"What the hell do you care!"
"I-I love you," he said simply.
Lily stopped struggling. "Oh, what the hell are you talking about."
"I went to your room just now because I was so sick about what Billy Slade did to you last night....
Listen ... I'm no genius, Lily. It took me a long time to catch on. I mean, I used to envy Billy and his scene. I thought they were getting something from life that I was missing ... but now I know better, Lily. I-I love you."
Lily looked up at Neil. She smiled through her tears. She had never really thought about Neil before, she had been so blinded by Billy Slade. But there was something nice about him, something earnest. She prayed that he was telling the truth.
"I want to make a life for myself," he said. "I want to do it with you."
"Oh, Neil," she said, and he put his arms around her and hugged her tight. She could feel the tenderness of his embrace and she was moved.
"Let's go," he aid. "Now. Let's run away right now before any of them wake up ... Come with me, Lily."
She looked into his eyes and what she saw there was good.
"I'll take a chance," she said. "I'll take a chance with you, Neil."
Fortune smiled on them: the small resort hotel on the lake had openings for a man-wife managerial team which they accepted. The local law asked no questions, and accepted them at face value. Their lives were so complete that a one-night stand carnival didn't get their passing glance-or their ticket purchase.
Happiness occurred to them in spiritual ways, too. They were tolerant of the sins of their neighbors, for they remembered their own passions of their Carnival days.