Chapter 4
Somebody said once that all good things must come to an end, and I guess that implies all bad things as well, but when Chris and I broke up, teenager in love that I was, I didn't think things would ever brighten up again. About the only good thing to come out of the situation was that my mother eased up on me a bit. Not all that much, but for my mother that was a change. She'd been fearing me going out with boys all along, but she had been especially heavy about Chris, as he was practically the only guy I went out with during that time.
My mom was always laying into me things like "You're young-don't date just one boy." What a laugh. Before, she didn't want me dating. Now she wanted me to date other guys. But once I got over Chris and did start dating other guys, she began on some new bitch.
There's just no way to please some people, that's for sure.
Actually, I didn't go out with him for that long-maybe six or seven weeks. But to a girl who's in love for the first time, that can seem like forever. We didn't actually break up in that sense of the word. The fact is, we never really were going steady, although I didn't go out with anyone else during that summer, and I don't think he did either, as we spent as much time together as possible, or talked for hours and hours on the phone.
We did begin telling each other we loved each other though, and that seemed to be enough for me. We usually had to double with Kerry and Linda, who went together for some time after we'd broken up, by the way, as he still didn't have a driver's license, but he did hitch a ride up to see me a couple of times. My mom really freaked one time when he showed up, but her objections only seemed to drive me closer to Chris, from whom I could get the understanding and love I so desperately needed.
My head was really in the clouds, and when summer ended abruptly, and I had to enter high school, it was a real downer. Of course, Chris had to go back to school too. If we'd been attending the same school, there would have been no problem, but he lived over the mountains, about fifteen miles away. It was more than that though. I mean, when you're a kid going to high school, your whole peer group can change radically from one period of time to another. Like the people you were running with in the summer may get into something else, and you'll get in with a new crowd and... well, I think you know what I mean, and if you don't-tough shit.
It was a real bummer for me to go back to school, knowing that I'd probably only be able to get together with Chris on the weekends. High school seemed like a real drag, and I only got through the first week by daydreaming about the upcoming weekend. When I got together with Chris that Saturday, I really made up for lost time, and from what I could see so did Kerry and Linda.
But when the next weekend came up, Linda broke the news to me... she and Kerry would be going out alone. I could tell from the way she twisted her hands and avoided making eye contact with me that she wasn't telling me everything. I began probing her, my heart racing frantically, not sure just what she meant by all this.
"What's wrong?" I pleaded. "Is Chris sick or something? What is it?"
I'd wondered why I hadn't heard from him since Monday night.
"Well it's just that..." she began, her voice breaking as she made the attempt.
"C'mon, Linda. You can tell me."
I knew by this time that I really didn't want to hear it, realizing that it might be the worst from the way she was acting. But at the same time, I had to know the truth, get to the bottom of the whole thing.
"It's probably not that big a thing... I mean, I didn't talk to Chris myself," she began to blurt out quickly, only increasing my apprehension. "I just know what Kerry says, and Kerry says..."
Kerry was her broker, and everyone in the plane turned around to see if they could pick up on the news. No, that's something else. We were together at her place. Just the two of us.
"Well, what does he say?" I said, by this time quite shook up.
"See, there's this girl that he knew from before, and she goes to school with them, at Kerry and Chris's school that is, and anyway ..."
The worst. I had a hard time piecing together the exact details at first, as my heart had dropped into my stomach. It felt like a cold slap in the face. Somehow, I was able to gather my wits and ask her to repeat the grim details, lover of teen tragedies that I was. So she told me, anything at all to fill up another page.
I hung on her every word as she told me the story. It seems that Chris had been going with this other girl before summer. She had gone on vacation with her family and he had met me over the summer as you know. But the two had gotten back together at school, and he would be taking her out. The fucker had been too much of a coward to even call me and tell me about it, leading me to believe we were going out this weekend, then not even telling me he was breaking the date.
This gave me my first real tragedy in love. I really got into it heavily for a few weeks. I turned down dates with other guys, ate very little, fretted, poured my heart out to Linda, who by the way was still seeing Kerry. This only made it worse, since I'd hear all this second hand information from her. I'd ask if I still had a chance, if he and the girl were breaking up, but all these hopes were false, as I learned that I didn't have much of a chance, even though Linda tried to let on that I might to ease the hurt.
I probably was a big pain in the ass to her during this time, but I made up for it a few months later when I let her use my shoulder to cry on when she and Kerry broke their thing off. The only one who seemed to enjoy my situation was my mother, who was glad I wasn't seeing him anymore. She always tried to get close when I wasn't seeing anyone on a steady basis, and it only made me hate her all the more.
I got out of my mood by finally going out with some other guys a few weeks after I realized that seeing Chris again was a hopeless situation. I didn't go out and ball the first guy I met after him, it was more like the second or third. But I didn't get into making it with just one guy. I felt much different with the other guys, too. I mean, I hardly ever made it like I had with Chris. I guess I was still hung up on him. Then too, this is the first time I remember feeling some guilt about sex. I'm not sure just where it came from, but I'm sure my mother is in there somewhere.
My freshman year passed this way. I was still close to Linda, particularly after she broke up with Kerry, but I didn't see too much of Joanie, as she and Dave stayed pretty exclusive ly to themselves.
Sometime during that year, I first got into smoking pot, one of the guys turning me on. It was really trippy, but I didn't do it every day, for fear of getting busted I guess. I turned Linda on, and we'd sometimes smoke it up in her room when her folks were gone.
As I was dating off and on, my mom would get on my case a lot, and I tried to stay away from home as much as possible, which only increased the troubles whenever I'd get home. One time we were having an argument, over what I don't remember-just some ridiculous thing that she brought up. Anyway, I began yelling back at her, using a few four-letter words she'd never heard me use before-shit, I doubt if she even knew what they meant herself.
She began screaming for my father, something she seldom did. She didn't have to, for he must have heard me, as he came into the kitchen looking mad. Then he slapped me hard across the face and told me to go to my room until I learned how to talk to my mother.
It really shook me having him hit me like that. I ran to my room in tears, throwing myself across the bed and sobbing. I resolved to myself that I'd get back at them somehow, the thoughts of suicide and running away from home racing through my mind.
The next day, nothing was said about the incident, but I could see a smug look on my mother's face and realized that she felt I'd been put in my place. It only made me feel worse, but I didn't say anything about it, not really having the courage to kick out the jams and break away. I mean, what would I do if I left home? That was when a lot of kids were running away, dropping out and everything. But while I wanted to, I was really too scared to actually do it. At the same time, I resolved to myself, sitting there, drinking my orange juice, that I wasn't going to let them push me around so much in the future.