Chapter 11
Not long after Kathy had split for Europe, things between Ralph Baljoni and I really came to a head. It was shortly before Pussy was going to move their offices to the new building, and he was always uptight. But I had to approach him about my job, as I'd received several very good offers from the outside as a result of the article they'd run, concerning my photography. I'd already had to turn a couple of good offers down, as he kept putting me off, and putting me off. But I was under contract to Pussy and couldn't do any outside work without his permission, so I finally cornered him one day and let him have it straight.
"Mr. B., " I began in measured tones, "I appreciate all you've done for me, but like I've tried to tell you before-I have these good offers."
"And I've tried to explain to you," he countered from under his cap, "that as long as you work for us, you must give us first chance at anything you do."
"But these are things that you're not into," I explained as patiently as possible. "Things like advertisements, fashion shots, things like that."
"We're a growing company," he said coldly. "You'll never know what we might be into soon."
"But these offers are coming now," I pleaded. "I appreciate the fact that it was the layout that brought me this, but at the same time, it's hard to turn them down. You don't always get a chance like this."
The fact that the article had backfired on him pissed him off and I knew it. Up until now, no matter how much I did in the creative end of things, he still looked at me as being a girl who did it, rather than a person. I was supposed to be forever grateful for something that had started me two-and-a-half years back, and not rock the boat. He liked my work, true, but I was still a woman and therefore subservient from his point of view. I just couldn't buy it anymore.
"Perhaps a raise," he began, offering me a small increase that I couldn't accept-the miser.
"This isn't a matter of mere money," I told him, becoming more determined as I went on. "Fm talking about my career. I've come to a point that I've got to grow."
"Not and work for Pussy," he reminded me.
"Then so long Pussy," I announced, rather surprised at myself for taking such a firm stand.
He then came down off his high horse for a second, becoming almost human as he offered me an even larger raise. But as I've already shown you, I don't change my mind once I've made it up. He did part on a friendly basis, though, offering to buy some of my freelance work in the future.
Shit, I thought, sitting in my apartment over a drink that night-I might actually need some of the work he'd offered. He didn't pay as much as the competition, but it was an easy sale, as anything I did seemed to sell magazines for him.
I was in a bit of a spot and I realized it. I hadn't really thought it would come to this--either Pussy, or the other things. Although I'd been making a good salary, I'd been living in a pretty high manner, and I only had a few thousand put away. I know that may sound like a lot to some people, but with my lifestyle, that could go in a matter of a couple of months. I had really gone in there thinking I could strike some sort of compromise with Mr. Baljoni.
But I had to stick to my guns. Maybe I could do some freelancing for him later on, but for now I had to prove to myself that I could make it without having the security of Pussy to fall back upon. That was the big thing-proving it to myself. I still had very limited experience with a magazine that only did one type of thing. Could I actually shoot an ad? Well, one thing for sure, I'd find out in a hurry.
At least I still had one firm offer to shoot an ad for a dishwashing detergent back in New York. When I thought of the chances I'd had to turn down, I silently cursed Ralph. But perhaps other offers would come in after that. I could get an agent. The thoughts jumped through my mind rapidly that night. I was scared, true, but at the same time, this was a bold step into the future, a challenge I would have had to meet sooner or later if I were to become a real photographer.
If all else failed, I could always sign on with another men's magazine . . . but no, it was no good to think negatively, not when I was going out into a new world.
That world proved to be tough going at first. After the soap commercial in New York, the offers stopped altogether, the layout about me having already peaked. The media can make you and break you. You have to strike while you're hot, I'd learned that lesson well.
I was too proud to go back to Pussy just yet, but I was getting to a point where I'd need money pretty soon. Even the agent that I'd engaged to find me work told me that it was extra-tough for a female photographer, that my layout in Pussy had been kind of a novelty.
That whole idea pissed me off, and I began to identify with the small women's rights movement that was starting up at the time. Why couldn't they take me on the merits of my work, and not because I was a woman?
Just about the time I'd decided to move to a cheaper apartment, however, a guy I'd known as a freelance writer got in touch with me. He had this project that he'd like to try me out on. If I hadn't have been so strapped for money, I think I might have turned him down, but I went ahead.
It seems that hard-core porno was really beginning to surface about then. An enterprising couple had come up with an idea for a really cheap way to shoot a porno flick and make a lot of money doing it. They'd shot in 16mm and it had grossed over a million within a month, against a budget of only twenty-five thousand dollars!
They had interpreted the rulings of the Supreme Court very liberally, and found a way to show a man and woman in bed and still give it the socially-redeeming value that was a necessity. Even though it showed graphic details of a couple in full sexual intercourse, even shots of the girl giving a guy with an erect penis head, an idea that would have been far too risky just a year or so back, it had been busted in only a few places, and the producers had won the two cases that had come to court to date. That was because it had socially-redeeming qualities in that a psychologist (played by an actor) came on during the first part of the show and explained that it would be wonderful if adults could view the proper way to indulge in sex, that it would help their hang-ups, etc. Of course, he used the terminology of the field, and he continued his discussion in a voice-over as the film went on to show a couple doing everything a man and woman could.
So this guy, Ernie, wanted to come out with a similar movie while the time was ripe. The way he'd gotten ahold of me was that he'd called Ralph to see if he'd back it, but Mr. B. had turned him down, not wanting to chance his growing empire on a questionable thing like this. But Jim had given him my number to see if I might be interested . . . bless him!
Ernie had managed to round up a backer by the time I got together with him, so I was offered only a small percentage, which I turned down. I didn't want to tell him I didn't have the bread to put up for such a venture. Even if I had, I'm not sure if I would have done it. Sure, you can turn a good profit, but I don't like the possibility of legal hassles and all that. I would collect a straight salary for filming it, a nice hefty chunk for one day's work-two-grand. I made it absolutely clear that I didn't want my name connected with the film in any way, and he agreed to my wishes.
The funny thing was I hadn't fucked around with a movie camera since a college class I'd had. But I called a guy I knew and got a refresher course. Ernie's backers were to cover all the expenses, the renting of the equipment and so on. I told him what I needed, and he agreed to have it there on the day of the shooting. As it was to be a really low-budget epic, there would be no lighting man, no makeup man, no grips, no props . . . I was the whole show. Of course it wouldn't be hard, as all I had to do was set up the lights in the bedroom of Ernie's house and shoot away. I'd be the cameraperson as well as director.
Ernie had decided that, as well as saving money, the couple he'd hired to perform would feel freer to do so if only two other people would be in the room. It wasn't the type of thing that would be shot from a lot of different angles. Ernie would just tell me what the script called for, and I'd shoot it, mostly hand-held stuff. Then we'd shoot some different angles, maybe a few close-ups to splice in as inserts, and that would be it. The main thing was hoping that the guy would be able to get it up at least a few times, as this wasn't kiddie stuff, but the real thing. We could simulate some of the action, but a lot of it would have to be the real thing-hence the reduced crew should help the guy feel more at ease. If I needed any help, Ernie would provide it.
I tried not to think of this hard-core thing as being a step down for me. It was just a job, something to make a little rent money with. While this kind of live-action sex was the vogue now, I realized, correctly, that it would level off. It wasn't something I wanted my name on.
On the day of the shooting, I arrived at Ernie's pad early, wanting to check out the equipment. As the only sound would be the voice-over of the doctor Ernie would hire later, after it was cut and edited, plus a few sounds of lovemaking dubbed in, it would be no problem to shoot. I did have Ernie go out and get me another light, but otherwise the 16mm Bolex, and the other equipment would do fine.
The couple arrived, and they weren't the greatest-looking pair I'd ever seen. They were both a bit flabby, but Ernie had warned me that he hadn't been able to find just anyone willing to ball in front of the camera for a few hundred dollars, and Mike and Barbara had been the healthiest of the lot.
I had second thoughts about it when I noticed that they both had tracks on their arms, and admitted that they used heroin. They gave the same old story about trying to get off, but I realized that this afternoon's movie would just go to score more smack. I applied pancake makeup to their arms to cover the needle marks, and we were about ready to go. As it was to be a black-and-white effort, the tracks wouldn't show. Ernie told me that it didn't even matter if it was grainy when they blew it to 35-it was expected in these kinds of flicks and seemed to add to the excitement of the whole production.
I just couldn't imagine anyone strung out enough to want to perform in this manner, but I'd never been on smack, so I tried not to judge.
There were those people in our society, I realized, who would have looked down on a girl posing in the nude as I had done several years back. At least they had scored a fix before coming in, and they both assured me that they could handle the sex scenes with no problem. I decided, however, upon seeing their glassy-eyed stares, not to do any facial close-ups unless they were from a side angle.
"O.K., let's shoot," I said, and the pair climbed atop Ernie's stripe-sheeted bed.
I'd decided against using any director talk, as I would be talking mainly to myself anyway. There were no clapboards for sound, no cards to designate scenes. This was a schlock production all the way, and I'd let Ernie and his editor worry about the sequence when they edited it. It was to be a take-off on the other film, only this was supposed to emphasize hang-ups and how to cure them, showing various forms of lovemaking in the process. Looking at Mike and Barbara, I realized that here were a couple of hang-ups in the flesh.
Ernie told me to start out with a simple petting scene, so we did, Barbara and Mike trying their damndest to go through the motions of kissing and hugging each other as if they cared. As they fondled on the bed, I shot down at them handheld from the edge of the bed. After getting quite a bit from this angle, I switched off the camera and went to the foot of the bed, not bothering to tell them to stop, as they weren't really doing that much anyway. When I started shooting again, I told Mike to begin kissing Barbara's titties, and I zoomed in for a close-up of the action.
When it came time for the balling scene, poor Mike had a terrible time trying to get it up, so I suggested to Barbara that she might give him head. And so I shot some of the head-giving sequence ahead of time, but I had to take advantage of whatever I could. Ernie just shrugged, realizing I'd have to get it anyway I could manage.
Mike finally had a nice-hard-on, and I zoomed in on it as he shoved it inside his wife. I had to break in here, having them do it missionary style for a few moments, pleading with Mike not to shoot off and lose his hard-on. Luckily, it worked.
Now I had them do it dog style. I had him enter his kneeling wife twice, once from a distance (my shot that is) and another close-up. I didn't know how long this yo-yo could hold out, and I wanted to get as many penetration shots as possible while he had it up. I could always simulate some of the balling.
I cautioned Mike to warn me as to when he was about ready to come. With some imagine zoom work, I'd be able to get a little expression out of him yet.
He kept putting it to Barbara, who was genuinely enjoying the whole thing, perhaps the first time he'd paid any attention to her in some time. She ground her meaty hips back against his, her heavy breasts swaying underneath her body as he pounded against her. He gripped her tightly by the sides, and I zoomed in briefly to get a close-up of this, but came back out to a full two-shot quickly, not wanting to miss the climax.
"Real soon," Mike warned me.
I told him to hold on for an extra second, and zoomed in on his face, registering the tension in his neck muscles, then came back out just in time for him to climax. If the zoom was too quick, I realized they could make a flash cut out of it in the editing room.
I zoomed in to his spitting cock as he pulled it out, not sure how they wanted it, but Ernie said it was fine. Better to be too dirty, I supposed they could always cut it down, but adding to it would be hard.
As one of the topics was to be female masturbation, now was the perfect time to do it, as Barbara hadn't made it yet. While her husband sat in a chair behind camera range, sweat dripping down from his mustache, I shot a short piece of film of Barbara jerking herself off, first by hand, and then with a dildo.
I ran out of film before she made it, so I had to change to a new load, and have her go through it again . . . presumably this would give Mike time to rest up. But when it came time for us to get more shots of her giving him head, he couldn't get it up.
"We've got to get this on," Ernie said, rubbing his hands together nervously.
Being a good director, I quickly sized the situation up. I told Barbara that he was probably used to her in as tactful manner as possible, and suggested that I get him up to start out. She agreed blankly, probably barely aware of what I'd said. So I got down to it, warning Ernie not to shoot any of this or it'd be his nuts.
I got him up all right, sucking his cock to attention in a matter of seconds. The only trouble was, he didn't stop and switch to his wife when he was supposed to. I told him to cool it, but he was not to be dissuaded. He had a look of fire in his eyes -the first real emotions he'd shown all day.
He got me down and began to work me over but good, shoving his pecker up me and banging away. His wife got into the act too, sitting on my face and asking me to give her head. The whole action was fucked, maybe the movie, but it didn't matter anymore. I was too involved in this fuck scene to give a shit. I only hoped that Ernie had kept his promise and not tried to shoot this.
But when I got up from the group-grope, I saw that he'd gotten so turned-on, he'd whipped his cock out and beat off. Well, at least he wouldn't give me any shit about what I'd done now.
I was worried that the activity would wear Mike down, but the stimulation had just the opposite effect on him. I was able to get all the shots that Ernie wanted in the can within a few hours.
All in all, it had been a pretty gross experience, but I'd made the fastest money I had in some time. From what I hear, the picture had moderate success, not coming close to the original in sales, but still turning a tidy profit. But I never once regretted not taking a share of the profits, or getting involved in any other projects like that from then on in. As far as I was concerned-once was enough.