Chapter 6

Betty and Linda continued to frequent Sam's flat. Sometimes Des and Jim picked them up, at others they had to take a bus or the tube. They had been accepted as members of the gang.

But Linda's newfound happiness with Des was ruined. Sometimes he slept with her, filling her with a passion no other man was capable of making her feel. The rest of the time he either ignored her or treated her the way he treated any other girl, as if she had no real significance for him at all. Then Linda found herself in despair. It helped a little to talk about it with Betty, but as soon as Betty wasn't there and she was left alone with her thoughts she became afraid of her own loneliness, intensified since she'd known Des. There was nobody else to talk to.

The only time she felt happy was when she'd taken some horse, and she began to pay private visits to Sam's flat when his mistress was away, which was often the case. They would take it together and then they would make love, and make love again, and that was the only time, the only way she could feel any contentment.

In desperation, when horse was short, she began to sleep with other members of the gang, but the ease with which they came to her only made her long for Des the more, except for the brief moment when she could pretend that the man between her legs was Des, that the prick that filled her was his, the penis she sucked was his, the lips on her vagina were his and just occasionally they were his and then she gave everything, but afterwards it seemed only to make things worse.

"Linda, you look terrible." Betty told her one day. "Have you seen yourself in the mirror?"

Linda nodded dully. When she wasn't taking horse she felt terrible. There was nothing to live for.

Betty stared at her closely as they ate the cold meal her mother and father had left them before they went out. Linda's eyes were dull and they had been so bright and her naturally pale face seemed to have taken on a sickly hue compared with the creamy whiteness her skin previously had. She had grown thinner, too.

"Is it Des?" Linda had not spoken about him for some time.

Linda shook her head negatively.

"Well, what's the matter then? You'll be worn to a shadow if you get any worse. What's up, Lindy?'

"Well, it is Des in a way. It's because of him that I'm like this."

"But aren't you eating or something? How is it you're getting thin?"

After a moment's hesitation, Linda stood up, put her foot on a chair and pulled up her skirt displaying her thigh. Betty stared at the leg. It was punctured by a number of little dark spots.

"What ... ? " She realized suddenly. "My God, Lindy, you've been using a needle!"

Linda nodded miserably.

"It doesn't hit me the way it used to," she said. "And it's the only thing I can do, otherwise I think too much and I'm miserable."

Betty was frightened.

"But Lindy," she said softly. "That's going too far. It's like Des told us. You have to be careful with it, otherwise it gets you and you can't do without it, and you get ill if you can't get it."

"It's too late," Linda said. "I can't do without it now."

"But how do you get it all the time?" Betty was shocked.

"I go and see Sam."

She answered Betty's questioning glance. "Yes, he fucks me every time. I have to let him do that and anyway it helps me to forget Des too or rather I imagine it's him."

Tears came to Betty's eyes. She still liked to take pot and occasionally a bit of horse, but she'd kept it within bounds so that she could give it up at any time. Linda's appearance and her confession filled her with pity and a certain anxiety.

"Lindy, why don't we give up the gang Jim doesn't mean much to me and you can still see Sam for the horse. If you don't see Des then perhaps you'll be able to give up the horse gradually and you'll find someone else much nicer than Des."

Linda heard Betty's words but they had no meaning in her pattern of things. She couldn't even focus her will on the idea.

"Oh, I like to see Des and he's nice to me sometimes and takes notice of me. He even fucks me; the last time was only about three weeks ago."

Linda suddenly burst into tears.

Horrified, almost wishing she'd never started the interrogation, Betty came over and held her. This was terrible. She'd never expected to see anything like this happen to Linda, ebullient, high-spirited Linda, whose reaction against her loveless home seemed to make her only more self-possessed and sure.

"Lindy, darling," she whispered. "Please don't. We'll do something, really we'll do something." But even as she said the words she hadn't the vaguest idea what they could do.

"It's no good, Betty," Linda said, straightening and dabbing her eyes. "I need the stuff now, too and I need some now more than ever."

"Please don't go over there," Betty pleaded. "I don't like to think of you like this. Stay here and we'll try and think of something."

"Think of something?" Linda grinned through her tears in a quick flash of humor at Betty's wild hope. Then she became listless again. "Don't be silly, Betty. I need Des and I need horse and that's all."

Betty felt her spirit droop. Poor Lindy, poor, dear Lindy. She'd never realized before how much she'd like to do something for her. She'd had a tough time all the way. She was one of those people born to have a tough time, because without having had love she suffered all the way, grasping at it too hard, losing it again.

"You're not going over there now," she pleaded. "I can't come with you, Lindy. I promised Mom and Dad I'd stay."

"That's all right; I know my way by now." Linda tried to joke.

"I wish you wouldn't go. It'll only make you worse tomorrow. Mom and Dad would let you come and sleep here for a few nights and it would be good for you to be away from home and away from the gang."

Linda smiled. How little Betty understood her need.

"No, I'm going Betty. I'll see you tomorrow. Thank God we still have a month before the beginning of term. I can't think what I'll do then. But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters."

Betty was struck dumb, hating to hear Linda speak like that, but realizing nothing she said would make any difference.

"Will you come round tomorrow, or shall I come round to you?"

"Oh, I don't know. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow."

"I'll come round to you. Please don't take too much, Lindy. Remember how dangerous it is like that."

Linda grinned palely and didn't answer and Betty felt as if she was some stupid schoolmistress giving good advice.

She watched Linda walk down the path and off to the bus stop. She seemed to wear the blouse without any bra and the tight skirt nearly all the time now, like a symbol.